From Joe Miller’s Jest Book, which is a pirated but exact version of The Jest Book, selected and arranged by Mark Lemon, except for some Americanized spellings; New York : Hurst & Co., no date; pp. 218-238.
( Jests 1000-1099. )
VERY dry and pithy too was a legal opinion given to a claimant of the Annandale peerage, who, when pressing the employment of some obvious forgeries, was warned, that if he persevered, nae doot he might be a peer, but it would be a peer o’ anither tree !
A SCEPTICAL man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, “Then young man your creed will be the shortest of any man’s I know.”
A SCOTCH lady, who was discomposed by the introduction of gas, asked with much earnestness, “What’s to become o’ the puir whales ? ” deeming their interests materially affected by this superseding of their oil.
“COME down, this instant,” said the boatswain to a 219 Mischievous son of Erin, who had been idling in the round-top; “come down, I say, and I ’ll give you a good dozen, you rascal !” — “Troth, sur, I would n’t come down if you ’d give me two dozen ! ”
HARRY ERSKINE made a neat remark to Walter Scott after he got his Clerkship of Session. The scheme to bestow it on him had been begun by the Tories, but (most honorably) was completed by the Whigs, and after the fall of the latter, Harry met the new Clerk, and congratulated him on his appointment, which he liked all the better, as it was a “Lay of the Last Ministry ! ”
AS a west-country mayor, with formal address,
Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess,
“ The Spaniard, ” quoth he, “ with inveterate spleen,
Has presumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen,
But your majesty’s courage soon made it appear
That his Donship had ta’en the wrong sow by the ear. ”
IN the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute. Waving the hands majestically over the excited disputants, be began : —
“Gentlemen, all I want is common sense —”
“Exactly,” Jerrold interrupted, “that is precisely what you do want !”
The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.
THE Rev. William Cole, of Cambridge, nicknamed the Cardinal, was remarkable for what is called a “comfortable assurance.” Dining in a party at the University, he took up from the table a gold snuff-box, belonging to the gentlemen seated next to him, and bluntly remarked that “It was big enough to hold the freedom of a corporation.” — “Yes, Mr. Cole,” replied the owner; “it would hold any freedom but yours.”
220MR. HENRY ERSKINE (brother of Lord Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being presented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and having made his bow, slipped a shilling into Boswell’s hand, whispering that it was for the sight of his bear.
READER, beware immoderate love of pelf,
Here lies the worst of thieves, — who robbed himself.
SOME schoolboys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to her, “Good morning, mother of asses.” — “Good morning, my child,” was the reply.
GEORGE THE THIRD once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous bon vivant, “They tell me Sir John, you love a glass of wine.” — “Those, sire, who have so reported me to your Majesty,” answered he, bowing profoundly, “do me great injustice; they should have said, — a bottle ! ”
THEY say love ’s like the measles, — all the worse when it comes late in life. — D. J. [Douglas Jerrold].
A VERY plain actor being addressed on the stage, “My lord, you change countenance” ; a young fellow in the pit cried, “For heaven’s sake, let him ! ”
TWO travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in despair exclaimed, “O, I am undone !” — “Are you ?” said the other joyfully; “then I wish you’d come and undo me.”
221A SOLDIER passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he had not rather struck the dog with the butt-end of his weapon ? “So I should,” said the soldier, “if he had run at me with his tail ! ”
THE subject for the Chancellor’s English Prize Poem, for the year 1823, was Australasia (New Holland). This happened to be the subject of conversation at a party of Johnians, when, some observing that they thought it a bad subject, one of the party remarked, “It was at least a transporting one.”
A FEW years ago, when Handel’s L’Allegro and Il Penseroso were performed at Birmingham, the passage most admired was, —
The great manufacturers and mechanics of the place were inconceivably delighted with this idea, because they had never heard of anything in iron before that could not be made at Birmingham.
A PAINTER of very middling abilities turned doctor : on being questioned respecting this change, he answered, “In painting, all faults are exposed to view; but in medicine, they are buried with the patient.”
IS puppyism come to its full growth. — D. J. [Douglas Jerrold.]
TO make this condiment your poet begs
The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs ;
222
Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve,
Smoothness and softness to the salad give ;
Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl,
And, half-suspected, animate the whole.
Of mordant mustard add a single spoon,
Distrust the condiment that bites too soon ;
But deem if not, thou man of herbs, a fault,
To add a double quantity of salt.
And lastly, o’er the flavored compound toss
A magic soup-spoon of anchovy sauce.
O green and glorious ! — O herbaceous treat !
’T would tempt the dying anchorite to eat ;
Back to the world he’d turn his fleeting soul,
And plunge his fingers in the salad-bowl !
Serenely full, the epicure would say,
“ Fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-day ! ”
This poem, slightly altered (and stated as being from memory), is quoted and attributed to Sydney Smith by Frederic Cozzens, in a pretty funny essay, on this site, A Peep into a Salad Bowl, by F. S. Cozzens.
Sydney Smith is sometimes spelled Sidney Smith in various sources. This poem is also often misattributed and the true origin and publication date can only be easily found online in Sallets, by Alice Ross, The Journal of Antiques and Collectibles, July 2001. He was an Anglican Clergyman and his poem, seems to have been first written in 1796, under the title, “An Herb Sallad for the Tavern Bowl.” Who says the best scholarly work is only to be seen in university publications?
A MEMBER of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and fifty pounds a year, upon which an old officer, on half-pay, said to him “A comedian has no reason to complain, whilst a man like me, crippled with wounds, is content with half that sum.” — “What !” replied the actor; “and do you reckon as nothing the honor of being able to say so ? ”
THAT Lord —— owes nothing, one safely may say,
For his creditors find he has nothing to pay.
“I RISE for information,” said a member of the legislative body. “I am very glad to hear it,” said a bystander, “for no man wants it more.”
WHY scorn red hair? The Greeks, we know
( I note here in charity, )
Had taste in beauty, and with them
The Graces were all Χἀριται
!
RETURNING from hunting one day, George III. entered affably into conversation with his wine-merchant, Mr. Carbonel, and rode with him side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered something to him. “What’s that? what’s that, Walsingham has been saying to you?” inquired the good-humored monarch. “I find, sir, I have been unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your Majesty; but your Majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a very high-spirited horse, so that if anything goes off we must all go off together ! ” The king laughed heartily at this apology.
A LADY complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep, — “I can furnish you,” he said, “with a perfect soporific. I have published two volumes of Sermons; take them up to bed with you. I recommended them once to Blanco White, and before the third page — he was fast asleep ! ”
( On ——’ ponderous speeches. )
THOUGH Sir Edward has made many speeches of late,
The House would most willingly spare them;
For it finds they possess such remarkable weight,
That it’s really a trouble to bear them.
A SEVERE snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks, having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets, snuff-takers were reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and begging, from all the neighbors within reach were resorted to, but this soon failed, and all were alike reduced to the extremity which 224 unwillingly abstinent snuffers alone know. The minister of the parish was amongst the unhappy number; the craving was so intense, that study was out of the question. As a last resort, the beadle was despatched through the snow, to a neighboring glen in the hope of getting a supply; but he came back as unsuccessful as he went. “What’s to be dune, John?” was the minister’s pathetic inquiry. John shook his head, as much as to say that he could not tell; but immediately thereafter started up, as if a new idea had occurred to him. He came back in a few minutes, crying, “Hae.” The minister too eager to be scrutinizing, took a long, deep pinch, and then said, “Whaur did you get it?” — “I soupit* the poupit,” was John’s expressive reply. The minister’s accumulated superfluous Sabbath snuff now came into good use.
* Swept.
( On Alderman Wood’s being afraid to pledge himself even to the Principles he has always professed. )
SURE in the House he ’ll do but little good
Who lets “I dare not, wait upon I WOOD (I would).”
LUTTRELL and Wilkes were standing on the Brentford hustings, when Wilkes asked his adversary, privately, whether he thought there were more fools or rogues among the multitude of Wilkites spread out before them. “I ’ll tell them what you say, and put an end to you,” said the Colonel. But, perceiving the threat gave Wilkes no alarm, he added, “Surely you don’t mean to say you could stand here one hour after I did so?” — “Why (the answer was), you would not be alive one instant after.” — “How so?” — “I should merely say it was a fabrication and they would destroy you in the twinkling of an eye !”
AFTER O’Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, 225 “Och, counsellor, I ’ve no way here to thank your honor; but I wish ’t I saw you knocked down in me own parish — would n’t I bring a faction to your rescue !”
MRS. MONTGOMERY was the only — the motherless — daughter of the stern General Campbell, who early installed her into the duties of housekeeper, and it sometimes happened that, in setting down the articles purchased, and their prices, she put the “cart before the horse.” Her gruff papa never lectured her verbally, but wrote his remarks on the margin of the paper, and returned it for correction. One such instance was as follows “General Campbell thinks five-and-six-pence exceedingly dear for parsley.” Henrietta instantly saw her mistake; but, instead of formally rectifying it, wrote against the next item, — “Miss Campbell thinks twopence-halfpenny excessively cheap for fowls” ; and sent it back to her father.
A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said “Alas ! I am near thirty.” A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said; “Do not fret at it, madam; for you will get further from that frightful epoch every day.”
PROVISIONS have a greater influence on the valor of troops than is generally supposed; and there is great truth in the remark of an English physician, who said, that with a six weeks’ diet he could make a man a coward. A distinguished general was so convinced of this principle, the he said he always employed his troops, before their dinner had digested.
226SIR WILLIAM DAWES, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady, he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they used to be in the time of poor Mary; and, looking extremely sorrowful, added, with a deep sigh, “She was, indeed, Mare Pacificum.” A curate, who pretty well knew what she had been, said, “Ay, my lord, but she was Mary Mortuum first.”
A CLERGYMAN, meeting a particular friend, asked him why he never came to hear him preach. He answered, “I am afraid of disturbing your solitude.”
SO well deserved is Rogers’ fame,
That friends, who hear him most, advise
The egotist to change his name
To Argus,” with his hundred I’s !
IN a Chancery suit one of the counsel, describing the boundaries of his client’s land, said, in showing the plan of it, “We lie on this side, my lord.” The opposite counsel said, “And we lie on that side.” The Chancellor, with a good-humored grin, observed, “If you lie on both sides, whom will you have me believe?”
A MEAN fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health gratis, asked a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint ? “I’ll tell you,” said the doctor, sarcastically; “You should take advice.”
SCALIGER doth the curious fact advance,
The early bishops used to join the dance,
227
And winding, turning ——’s shows us yet,
That Bishops still know how to pirouette.
A CUNNING juryman address the clerk of the court when administering the oath, saying, “Speak up; I cannot hear what you say.” — “Stop; are you deaf?” asked Baron Alderson. — “Yes, of one ear.” — “Then you may leave the box, for it is necessary that jurymen should hear both sides.”
“Well, Will,” said an earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter finishing his dinner, “have you had a good dinner to-day ?” (Will had been grumbling some time before.) “Ou, vera gude,” answered Will; “but gin onybody asks if I got a dram after ’t, what will I say ?”
“DID you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats ?” inquired the counsel.
“Yes, your honor,” was the reply.
“On what ground did he refuse them ?” was next asked by the learned counsel.
“In the back-yard,” said Teddy, amidst the laughter of the court.
POOR Peter Staggs now rests benath this rail,
Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale ;
For twenty years he did the duties well,
Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the Bell.
But death stepped in, and ordered Peter Staggs
To feed the worms, and leave the farmers’ nags.
The church clock struck one — alas ! ’t was Peter’s knell,
Who sighed, “ I ’m coming — that’s the ostler’s bell ! ”
A WELL-BENEFICED old parson having a large company to dinner, entertained them with nothing else but the situation 228 and profits of his parochial livings, which he said he kept entirely to himself. Quin, being one of the party, and observing that the parson displayed a pair of very dirty yellow hands, immediately called out, — “So, so, doctor, I think you do keep your glebe in your own hands with a witness !”
FOOTE having satirized the Scotch pretty severely, a gentleman asked, “Why he hated that nation so much.” — “You are mistaken,” said Foote, “I don’t hate the Scotch, neither do I hate frogs, but I would have everything keep to its native element.”
“YOU flatter me,” said a thin exquisite the other day to a young lady who was praising the beauties of his moustache. “For heaven’s sake, ma’am,” interposed an old skipper, “don’t make that monkey any flatter than he is !”
STERNE, the author of the “Sentimental Journey,” who had the credit of treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity : “The husband,” said he, with amazing assurance, “who behaves unkindly to his wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head.” — “If you think so,” replied Garrick, “I hope your house is insured.”
ONE being asked whom it was that he judged to be the chiefest actor in the murder of the king, he answered in this short enigma or riddle —
“ The heart of the loaf, and the head of the spring,
Is the name of the man that murdered the king. ”
AT Wimpole there was to be seen a portrait of Mr. Harley, the speaker, in his robes of office. The active 229 part he took to forward the bill to settle the crown on the house of Hanover induced him to have a scroll painted in his hand, bearing the title of that bill. Soon after George the First arrived in England, Harley was sent to the Tower, and this circumstance being told to Prior whilst he was viewing the portrait, he wrote on the white part of the scroll the date of the day on which Harley was committed to the Tower, and under it “THIS BILL PAID IN FULL.”
AT no time of life should a man give up the thoughts of enjoying the society of women. “In youth,” says Lord Bacon, “women are our mistresses, at a riper age our companions, in old age our nurses, and in all ages our friends.”
A gentleman being asked what difference there was between a clock and a woman, instantly replied, “A clock serves to point out the hours, and a woman to make us forget them.”
AT a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were defiling by all the best ways, the Devil’s Own walked straight through. This being reported to Lord B——, he remarked, “That the lawyers always went through thick and thin.”
CHARLES LAMB said once to a brother whist-player, who was a hand more clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke : “M., if dirt were trumps, what hands you would hold !”
POPE the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art, received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the simplicity of the intended fare — a small turbot and a boiled edgebone of beef. “The very thing of all others that I like,”;exclaimed Pope; “I will come with the greatest pleasure” : and come he did, and 230 eat he did, till he could literally eat no longer; when the word was given, and a haunch of venison was brought in. Poor Pope, after a puny effort at trifling with a slice of fat, laid down his knife and fork, and gave way to a hysterical burst of tears, exclaiming, “A friend of twenty years’ standing, and to be served in this manner ! ”
SHELLEY styles his poem, “ Prometheus Unbound, ”
And ’t is like to remain so while time circles round ;
For surely an age would be spent in the finding
A reader so weak as to pay for the binding.
HORNE TOOKE, on being asked by a foreigner of distinction how much treason an Englishman might venture to write without being hanged, replied, that “he could not inform him just yet, but that he was trying.”
THE resemblance between the sandal tree, imparting (while it falls) its aromatic flavor to the edge of the axe, and the benevolent man rewarding evil with good, would be witty, did it not excite virtuous emotions. — S. S. [Sydney Smith.]
On an Apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, whilst playing Sir Pertinax Mac Sycophant.
SOME envious Scot, you say, the apple threw,
Because the character was drawn too true ;
It can ’t be so, for all must know “ right weel ”
That a true Scot had only thrown the peel.
AN Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture, and to represent him standing behind a tree.
231A YOUNG lady was told by a married lady, that she had better precipitate herself from off the rocks of the Passaic falls into the basin beneath than marry. The young lady replied, “I would, if I thought I should find a husband at the bottom.”
A LAD applied to the captain of a vessel for berth; the captain, wishing to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, “If you want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to the rope.” — “I can do it,” he readily replied; “here is one, and here is another, — and that makes two. Now, here ’s the third,” and he threw it overboard.
FOOTE was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men’s houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. “Why,” said he, “the first know what they want, but the latter do not.”
This jest is several centuries old, being attributed to Aristippus, an ancient Greek wit. See it, and other examples of classical humor, here: HERE, on this site.
WHEN Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortification of Quin, Garrick’s chair came up first. “Let me get into the chair,” cried the surly veteran, “let me get into the chair, and put little Davy into the lantern.” — “By all means,” rejoined Garrick, “I shall ever be happy to enlighten Mr. Quin in anything.”
LORD CLARE, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran’s speech turned himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. “Go on, go on, Mr. Curran,” said Lord Clear. “O, I beg a thousand pardons,” was the rejoinder; ‘I really thought your lordship was employed in consultation.”
232A TAILOR sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. “Did you tell your master,” said the lawyer, “that I was not running away ?” — “Yes, sir,” answered the boy; “but he bade me tell you that he was.”
SIR GEORGE BEAUMONT once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing the dish towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped himself to an immense piece of it. “Pray,” said Quin, looking first at the gentleman’s plate and then at the dish, “which is the pudding ?”
TO fast and pray we are by Scripture taught :
Oh could I do but either as I ought !
In both, alas ! I err ; my frailty such, —
I pray too little, and I fast too much.
A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made in the study of medicine, modestly replied “I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as physician, for I think I am now able to cure a child. ”
COLMAN and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor, amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand head of sheep. “I perceive,” interrupted Colman, “your lordship has still an eye to the woolsack.”
SIR THOMAS COULSON being present with a friend at 233 the burning of Drury Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where the fire had been extinguished, remarked that they were “ingens cui lumen adeptum.”
WHEN the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription : “No, truly, doctor,” said Nash; “if I had I should have broken my neck for I threw it out of a two-pair-of-stairs window.”
SIR DAVID BAIRD, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper. When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed, “Heaven pity the man that’s tied to my Davy !”
A PHYSICIAN, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a man of letters, observing that he patient was very punctual in taking all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart : “Ah ! My dear sir, you deserve to be ill.”
“ PAY me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney,” said a village attorney. “For what ? ” — “For the opinion you had of me.” — “Faith, I never had any opinion of you in all my life.”
WHILST inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one of the laborers there, and said, “My man, you do not sweat at that work.” — “Why, no, master,” was the reply, “seven shillings a week is n’t sweating wages.”
234STRANGE is it, proud Pontefract’s borough should sully
Its fame by returning to parliament Gully.
The etymological cause, I suppose, is
His breaking the bridges of so many noses.
PEOPLE would be astonished if they were aware of the cart-loads of trash which are annually offered to the director of a London theatre. The very first manuscript (says George Colman) which was proposed to me for representation, on my undertaking theatrical management, was from a nautical gentleman, on a nautical subject; the piece was of a tragic description, and in five acts; during the principal scenes of which the hero of the drama declaimed from the main-mast of a man-of-war, without once descending from his position !
A tragedy was offered to Mr. Macready, or Mr. Webster in thirty acts. The subject was the history of Poland, and the author proposed to have five acts played a night, so that the whole could be gone through in a week.
“AN attorney,” says Sterne, “is the same thing to a barrister that an apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer does not deal in scruples. ”
I NEVER by chance hear the rattling of dice that it does n’t sound to me like the funeral bell of a whole family. — D. J. [Douglas Jerrold.]
WE feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master’s office !
235HAIL, charming power of self opinion !
For none are slaves in thy dominion ;
Secure in thee, the mind ’s at ease,
The vain have only one to please.
FORMERLY, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his father to attend a Judge’s chambers for that purpose; but being engaged to dine in Russell Square, at the next house to Mr. Justice Holroyd’s, he thought he might as well save himself the disagreeable necessity of leaving the party at eight, by despatching his business at once, so, a few minutes before six, he boldly knocked at the Judge’s and requested to speak to him on particular business. The Judge was at dinner, but came down without delay, swore the affidavit, and then gravely asked what was the pressing necessity that induced our friend to disturb him at that hour. As Smith told his story, he raked his invention for a lie, but finding none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the truth : “The fact is, my Lord, I am engaged to dine at the next house — and — and ——” — “And, sir, you might as well save your own dinner by spoiling mine?” — “Exactly so, my Lord; but ——” — “Sir, I wish you a good evening.” Though Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never was more frightened.
AN English journal lately contained the following announcement : “To be sold, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney retiring from business. N. B. The clients are rich and obstinate.
AN old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said that the was but forty years old. A student who sat near observed, that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the last ten years.
236A GENTLEMAN at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, “How he should stir the fire without interrupting the music.” — “Between the bars,” replied the friend.
THE duke of B——, who was to have been one of the knights of the Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. “How,” said he,” could I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots?” — “It will be quite as appropriate,” replied Hook, “If your grace goes in your list shoes.”
MRS. ROBISON. (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy) having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had accepted, with the reservation, “If I am spared.” — “Weel, weel,” said Mrs. Robison, “if ye ’re dead I ’ll no’ expect ye.”
A FRENCH marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, “How he could reconcile it with his honor to suffer them to pass without notice?” — “Pooh !” replied the marquis, “I never trouble my head with anything that passes behind my back.”
AN old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his young master for his being allowed to do as he liked : “Ye need na find faut wi’ me, Maister Jeems, I hae been langer about the place than yersel’.”
A LAIRD of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a proposal was made to erect a new 237 churchyard wall. He met the proposition with the dry remark, “I never dig dykes till the tenants complain.”
THE late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a friend with, — “It is a very cold morning, doctor.” — “I don’t know that,” was the doctor’s observation, though he was at the instant covered with snow. At another time he happened to dine with some gentlemen. The doctor engrossed the conversation almost entirely to himself, and interlarded his observations with Greek and Latin quotations, to the annoyance of the company. A gentleman of no slight erudition, seated next the doctor, remarked to him, “that he ought not to quote so much, as many of the party did not understand it.” — “And you are one of them,” observed the learned bear.
JERROLD was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his disappointment.
Friend (to Jerrold). — I hear you said —— was the worst book I ever wrote.
Jerrold. — “No, I did n’t. I said it was the worst book anybody ever wrote.
W——, they say, is bright ! yet to discover
The fact you vainly in St. Stephen’s sit.
But hold ! Extremes will meet : the marvel’s over ;
His very dulness is the extreme of wit.
THE pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was passing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney at the corner of St. James’s Church, swinging about in a nervous sort of manner, he inquired the cause of his being there at such an hour. He 238 replied, “I have been to the St. James’s Theatre, and, do you know, I really thought Braham was a much prouder man than I find him to be.” On asking why, he answered, “I was in the green-room, and hearing Braham say, as he entered, ‘I am really proud of my pit to-night,’ I went and counted it, and there were but seventeen people in it.”
“ I WOULD, ” says Fox, “ a tax devise
That shall not fall on me. ”
“ Then tax receipts, ” Lord North replies,
“ For those you never see. ”
A SCOTCH country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was very proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fashion, and in the morning asked the lady how she had slept in it. “O very well, sir; but, indeed, I thought I’d lost the minister a’ thegither.”
A DRUNKEN man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. “He is dead,” said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. “Dead !” replied another, who had turned him with his face uppermost; “by the powers, I wish I had just half his disease ! ” — in other words, a moiety of the whiskey he had drunk.
“I KEEP an excellent table,” said a lady, disputing with one of her boarders. “That may be true, ma’am, says he, “but you put very little upon it. ”