[Back] [Blueprint] [Next]



From Joe Miller’s Jest Book,  which is a pirated but exact version of The Jest Book,  selected and arranged by Mark Lemon, except for some Americanized spellings; New York :  Hurst & Co., no date; pp. 307-325.


[307]

T H E   J E S T   B O O K.

( Jests 1400-1499. )

MCD. — OCULAR.

TAYLOR says, “My best pun was that which I made to Sheridan, who married a Miss Ogle.” We were supping together at the Shakespeare, when, the conversation turning on Garrick, I asked him which of his performances he thought the best. “O,” said he, “the Lear, the Lear.” — “No wonder,” said I, “you were fond of a Leer  when you married an Ogle. 

MCDI. — ON THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WHIG ASSOCIATES OF THE PRINCE REGENT AT NOT OBTAINING OFFICE.

YE politicians, tell me, pray,
    Why thus with woe and care rent !
This is the worst that you can say,
Some wind has blown the wig away,
    And left the Hair Apparent.

MCDII. — AN APT REPROOF.

MR. WESLEY, during the voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in the cabin of General Oglethorpe 308 (the Governor of Georgia, with whom he sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on which the General immediately addressed him : “Mr. Wesley, you must excuse me. I have met with a provocation too great for man to bear. You know the only wine I drink is Cyprus wine, as it agrees with me the best of any; and this villain Grimaldi (his foreign servant) has drunk up the whole I had on board. But I will be revenged of him. I have ordered him to be tied hand and foot, and to be carried to the man-of-war that sails with us. The rascal should have taken care how he used me, for I never forgive. ” — “Then I hope, sir,” said John Wesley, looking calmly at him, “you never sin. ”  The General was quite confounded at the reproof, and putting his hand into his pocket took out a bunch of keys, which he threw at Grimaldi, saying, “There, villain ! Take my keys, and behave better for the future.”

MCDIII. — THE LAME BEGGAR.

“ I AM unable, ” yonder beggar cries,
“ To stand  or move. ”  If he says true, he lies.

MCDIV. — HOLLAND’S FUNERAL.

HOLLAND, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote : “You see what a snug family vault we have made here.” — “Family vault ! ”  said Foote, with tears trickling down his cheeks, “I thought it had been a family oven. 

MCDV. — PRETTY.

HOPE is the dream of those who are awake.

MCDVI. — NOT IMPROBABLE.

A CERTAIN young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of the whole company, “How it happened that the patriarchs lived to such extreme old age ?”  To which question the clergyman replied, “Perhaps they took no physic. 

309

MCDVII. — SOUGHT AND FOUND.

THREE conceited young wits, as they thought themselves, passing along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry. “Good-morrow, father Abraham,” said one; “Good-morrow, father Isaac,” said the next; “Good-morrow, father Jacob,” cried the last. “I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob,” replied the old gentleman, “but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father’s asses, and lo ! here I have found them.”

MCDVIII. — NO REDEEMING VIRTUE.

“ PRAY, does it always rain in this hanged place,
        Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows ? ”
                  “ No, please your grace, ”
                  Cried Boniface,
                  With some grimace,
        “ Sometimes it snows. 

MCDIX. — A REMARKABLE ECHO.

A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, “One at a time, Mr. Curran, if you please.” The speech being finished, the judge began his charge, and during its progress the ass sent forth the full force of its lungs; whereupon the advocate said, “Does not your lordship hear a remarkable echo in the court ? 

MCDX. — A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER.

THE father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor, and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman’s company, whom she secretly wedded. When Roger Kemble heard of it, he was furious. “Have I not,” he exclaimed, “dared you to marry a player ?”  The lady replied, with downcast eyes, that she had not disobeyed. “What, madam ! have you not allied yourself to about the worst performer in my company?” — “Exactly so,” murmured the timid bride; “nobody can call him  an actor.”

310

MCDXI. — A PERTINENT QUESTION.

FRANKLIN was once asked, “What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity ?”  The philosopher answered the question by another, “What is the use  of a new-born infant ?”

MCDXII. — A SOPORIFIC.

A PROSY orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his speeches. “Pooh, pooh !” said the drowsy Premier; “the physician should never quarrel with the effect  of his own medicine.”

MCDXIII. — THE AMENDE HONORABLE.

QUOTH Will, “ On that young servant-maid
      My heart its life-string stakes. ”
“ Quite safe ! ” cries Dick, “ don’t be afraid,
      She pays for all she breaks. 

MCDXIV. — ALLEGORICAL REPRESENTATION.

A PAINTER, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to represent two men, — one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had lost one. He painted the former with a shirt on,  and the other naked. 

MCDXV. — MILITARY ELOQUENCE.

AN officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, “There, my brave fellows, go and clothe  yourselves.”

MCDXVI. — CUTTING OFF THE SUPPLIES.

THE late Duke of York is reported to have once consulted Abernethy. During the time his highness was in the room, the doctor stood before him with his hands in his pockets, waiting to be addressed, and whistling with great coolness. The Duke, naturally astonished at his conduct, said, “I suppose you know who I am ?” — “Suppose I do; what of that ?  If your Highness of York wishes to be 311 well, let me tell you,” added the surgeon, “you must do as the Duke of Wellington often did in his campaigns, cut off the supplies,  and the enemy will quickly leave the citadel.”

MCDXVII. — EPIGRAM.

THE proverb says, and no one e’er disputes,
“ Nature the shoulder to the burden suits ” ;
Then nature gave to Saucemore with his head,
Shoulders to carry half a ton of lead.

MCDXVIII. — A FOWL JOKE.

A CITY policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the hens  (N ) division. “Do you mean in the Poultry ? ”  asked the Judge.

MCDXIX. — AN EXPENSIVE TRIP.

IRISH Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (as was his wont) upon all his acquaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards in London, and talking of his great expenses,  he asked the ex-Master of the Rolls what he supposed he spent in the Irish capital during his last trip. “I don’t know,” replied Curran; “but probably a fortnight. ” 

MCDXX. — OLD FRIENDS.

COLEMAN the dramatist, was asked if he knew Theodore Hook. “Yes,” replied the wit; “Hook  and eye  are old associates.”

MCDXXI. — A REASON.

“I WISH you at the devil !” said somebody to Wilkes. “I don’t wish you there,” was the answer. “Why?” — “Because I never wish to see you again ! 

MCDXXII. — HONOR.

DURING a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large sum of money as a reward to him who 312 should first drive a fascine into a ditch which was exposed to the enemy’s fire. None of the grenadiers offered. The general, astonished, began to reproach them for it. “We should have all offered, ”  said one of these brave soldiers, “if money had not been set as the price of this action. 

MCDXXIII. — JUST AS WONDERFUL.

A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a very knowing manner, “Pray, did you ever see a cat-fish ? ” — “No,” was the response, “but I ’ve seen a rope-walk. 

MCDXXIV. — CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.

“WELL, neighbor, what ’s the news this morning ?”  said a gentleman to a friend. “I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman.” — “Just like you ! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?” — “My wife. 

MCDXXV. — QUESTION ANSWERED.

THAT idiot W—— coming out of the Opera one night, called out, “Where is my fellow ?” — “Not in England,  I ’ll swear,” said a bystander.

MCDXXVI. — VERY LIKELY.

AN officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the “Cheap  defence of nations,” replied, “A midshipman’s half-pay, — nothing a-day and find yourself.”

MCDXXVII. — INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.

DIED suddenly, — surprised at such a rarity !
Verdict, — Saw Eldon do a little bit of charity.

MCDXXVIII. — A GRUNT.

“DOCTOR, when we have sat together some time, you ’ll find my brother very entertaining.” — “Sir,” said Johnson, “I can wait. 

MCDXXIX. — ONE FAULT.

“SHE is insupportable,” said a wit with marked emphasis, 313 of one well known; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, “It is her only  defect.”

MCDXXX. — TO THE “ COMING ” MAN.

SMART waiter, be contented with thy state,
The world is his who best knows how to wait.

MCDXXXI. — NOTHING TO BOAST OF.

“THE British empire, sir,” exclaimed an orator, “is one on which the sun never sets.” — “And one,” replied an auditor, “in which the tax-gatherer  never goes to bed.”

MCDXXXII. — COLONIAL BREWERIES.

WHAT two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia ?  what event more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its first brewhouse ? — S. S. [Sydney Smith.]

MCDXXXIII. — A CLOSER.

SOME person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door of a house, “Let nothing  enter here but what is good. ” — “Then where will the master  go in ?”  asked a cynic.

MCDXXXIV. — THE FOOL OR KNAVE.

THY praise or dispraise is to me alike ;
One doth not stroke  me, nor the other strike.

MCDXXXV. — KNOWING HIS MAN.

AN attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O’Grady next day, said, “My lord, have you heard of my son’s robbery ?” — “No,” replied the baron; “whom did he rob ? 

MCDXXXVI. — A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE.

AN eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad causes. “Sir,” answered the lawyer, “I have lost so many good  ones, that I am quite at a loss which to take.”

314

MCDXXXVII. — SELF-APPLAUSE.

SOME persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for approbation. — S. S. [Sydney Smith.]

MCDXXXVIII. — A WOODEN JOKE.

BURKE said of Lord Thurlow, “He was a sturdy oak  at Westminster, and a willow  at St. James’s.”

MCDXXXIX. — AN OLD ADAGE REFUTED.

A SCHOLAR having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him. “Now,” says he, “the old adage must be false, which saith that the tide  tarrieth for no man.”

MCDXL. — THEATRICAL PURGATIONS.

A DRAMATIC author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as reading his piece before a critical audience. “I know but one more terrible,” said Compton, the actor, “to be obliged to sit and hear it. 

MCDXLI. — ALL THE SAME.

IN Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty, as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two places, and thus secure half the inside to himself. He once sent his servant to book him to Glasgow. The man returned with the following pleasing intelligence : “I ’ve booked you, sir; there were n’t two inside places left, so I booked you one in  and one out. 

MCDXLII. — THE PRINCIPLE OF GOVERNMENTS.

I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift’s simile as he told us of the Prince of Orange’s harangue to the mob of Portsmouth. “We are come,” said he, “for your good — for all your goods. ” — “A universal principle,” added Smith, “of all governments; but, like most other truths, only told by mistake. 

315

MCDXLIII. — DR. WALCOT’S APPLICATION FOR SHIELD’S IVORY OPERA PASS.

SHIELD, while the supplicating poor
    Ask thee for meat  with piteous moans ;
More humble I approach thy door,
    And beg for nothing but thy bones.

MCDXLIV. — COOKING HIS GOOSE.

THE performers rallying Cooke one morning, in the green room, on the awkward cut of a new coat, he apologized, by saying, “It was his tailor’s fault. — “Yes, poor man,” said Munden, “and his misfortune  too !”

MCDXLV. — TAKE WARNING !

A BARRISTER who had retired from practice, said : “If any man was to claim the coat  upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it; lest, in defending my coat, I should, too late, find that I was deprived of my waistcoat  also.”

MCDXLVI. — “ THE WIDE, WIDE SEA. ”

HOOD says that, “A Quaker loves the ocean for its broad brim. 

MCDXLVII. — CONDITIONAL AGREEMENT.

DR. A——, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the landlord to pass his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charges were very high, wrote at the bottom of the account, “if I die, I pass  this account; if I live, I ’ll examine it. ” 

MCDXLVIII. — ON A SQUINTING POETESS.

TO no one  muse does she her glance confine,
But has an eye, at once, to all the nine.

MCDXLIX. — A NEAT SUGGESTION.

A WELSH judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll : “As you have asked the Ministry 316 for everything else, ask them for a piece of soap  and a nailbrush. 

MCDL. — SCOTCH “ WUT. ’

IT requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that inferior variety of the electric talent which prevails occasionally in the North, and which, under the name of Wut,  is so infinitely distressing to people of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated intervals. They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love metaphysically. I overheard a young lady of my acquaintance, at a dance in Edinburgh, exclaim, in a sudden pause of the music, “What you say, my lord, is very true of love in the aibstract,  but ——” Here the fiddlers began fiddling furiously, and the rest was lost.

MCDLI. — WHERE IT CAME FROM.

A LADY, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying herself in the glass, she exclaimed, “Where in the name of wonder, doctor, did I get such a nose  as this ?” — “Out of the decanter, madam, ”  replied the doctor.

MCDLII. — QUIN AND CHARLES I.

QUIN sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I., — “By what laws,” said his opponent, “was he put to death ?”  Quin replied, “By all the laws  that he had left them. 

MCDLIII. — TIMELY FLATTERY.

A GENTLEMAN was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, “Your watch, madam, makes us remember  the hours, and you make us forget  them.”

MCDLIV. — EPIGRAM ON TWO CONTRACTORS.

TO gull the public two contractors come,
One pilfers corn, — the other cheats in rum.
317 Which is the greater knave, ye wits explain,
A rogue in spirit,  or a rogue in grain ?

MCDLV. — TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE THINGS.

A TRAVELLER, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone through Euclid,  was not quite sure, but he thought it was a small village  between Wigan and Preston.

MCDLVI. — AN UNCONSCIOUS INSULT.

A FRENCHMAN, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of saying something pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., whose dress was fawn color, and that of her daughter pink, “Milady, your daughter is de pink  of beauty.” — “Ah, monsieur, you Frenchmen always flatter.” — “No, madam, I only do speak the truth, and what all de world will allow, that your daughter is de pink, and you are de drab  of fashion.”

MCDLVII. — A CLOSE TRANSLATION.

A COUNTRY gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B——, a translator of Juvenal, said, “What particularly convinces me of the faithfulness of your translation is, that in places where I do not understand Juvenal, I likewise do not understand you. 

MCDLVIII. — NEW RELATIONSHIP.

A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant “brother,” expressed his surprise, “O,” said one present, “they are brothers, — brothers-in-law. 

MCDLIX. — ONLY A NINEPIN.

THE Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were facetiously called Lord Lonsdale’s ninepins. One of the members thus designated, having made a very extravagant speech in the House of Commons, was answered by Mr. burke in a vein of the happiest sarcasm, which elicited from the House loud and continued cheers. Mr. Fox, entering the House just as Mr. Burke was sitting down, inquired of Sheridan what the 318 House was cheering. “O, nothing of consequence,” replied Sheridan, “only Burke has knocked down one of Lord Lonsdale’s ninepins. 

MCDLX. — DR. WALCOT’S REQUEST FOR IVORY TICKETS, SENT TO SHIELD, THE COMPOSER.

SON of the string ( I do not mean Jack Ketch,
    Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones ),
Oh, yield thy pity to a starving wretch,
    And for to-morrow’s treat  pray send thy bones !

MCDLXI. — DIFFICULTIES IN EITHER CASE.

ONE evening, at a party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was present, a recently published essay on the future life of brutes was referred to, and a gentleman, disposed to support the author’s opinion that the lower animnals have an “immortal part,” familiarly remarked to the doctor, “Really, sir, where we see a very sensible dog, we don’t know what to think of him.” Johnson, turning quickly round, replied, “True, sir; and when we see a very foolish fellow,  we don’t know what to think of him. 

MCDLXII. — A PROFESSIONAL AIM.

IN a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the other’s coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, declared that had his friend been engaged with a client  he would have very probably have hit his pocket.

MCDLXIII. — FLYING COLORS.

SIR GODFREY KNELLER latterly painted more for profit than for praise, and is said to have used some whimsical preparations for his colors, which made them work fair and smoothly off, but not endure. A friend, noticing it to him, said, “What do you think posterity will say, Sir Godfrey Kneller, when they see these pictures some years hence?” — “Say !” replied the artist; “Why, they ’ll say Sir Godfrey Kneller never  painted them !”

MCDLXIV. — AN ENTERTAINING PROPOSITION.

A POMPOUS fellow made a very inadequate offer for a 319 valuable property; and, calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentleman if he had entertained his proposition.  “No,” replied the other, “your proposition entertained me. 

MCDLXV. — UNION OF OPPOSITES.

A PHRENOLOGIST remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, “that doubtless those were the persons who would kill one with kindness. 

MCDLXLVI. — EPIGRAM.

( On ——’s Veracity. )

HE boasts about the truth I ’ve heard,
    And vows he ’d never break it ;
Why, zounds, a man must  keep his word
    When nobody will take it.

MCDLXLVII. — AN UNTAXED LUXURY.

A LADY having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax on “the single state” ;  “Yes, madam,” rejoined an obstinate old bachelor, “as on all other luxuries. 

MCDLXVIII. — A DEAR SPEAKER.

SOON after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his maiden speech, thus addressed the chair : “And now, my dear  Mr. Speaker,” etc. This excited loud laughter. As soon as the mirth had subsided, Mr. Sheridan observed, “that the honorable member was perfectly in order; for, thanks to the ministers, now-a-days everything is dear. 

MCDLXIX. — ABSURDLY LOGICAL.

A MAD Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of greater  importance than any other mad person  of the same degree in life.

320

MCDLXX. — PROOF POSITIVE.

A CHEMIST asserted that all bitter things were hot. “No,” said a gentleman present, “there is a bitter  cold day.”

MCDLXXI. — PLAYER, OR LORD.

ONE day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general murmur of delighted merriment. A nobleman present, who was not distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed : “What a pity ’t is, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should be a player ! ”  Quin, fixing and flashing his eyes upon the speaker, replied : “Why ! what would your lordship have me be ? — a lord?”

MCDLXXII. — IN MEMORIAM.

SOYER is gone ! Then be it said,
At last, indeed, great PAN is dead.

MCDLXXIII. — PRIME’S PRESERVATIVE.

SERGEANT PRIME had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding, was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middle of the road. A countryman, who saw the occurrence, ran hastily up, raised the sergeant from the mire, and asked him if he was much hurt. The sergeant replied in the negative. “I zee, zur,” said the rustic, grinning, “yer ploughshare  saved ye !”

MCDLXXIV. — A SHARP BRUSH.

SHERIDAN was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, and exhibited its beauties. “There, Mr. Sheridan,” said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, without being clever in any, “I built and painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes.” — “Did you ?”  said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; “well, I should not, I am sure, have known you were a Fox by your brush. 

321

MCDLXXV. — NOT SO “ DAFT ” AS REPUTED.

THERE was a certain “Daft Will” who was a privileged haunter of Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the noble owner one day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl called out, “Come back, sir, that ’s not the road.” — “Do ye ken,” said Will, “whaur I’m gaun ?” — “No,” replied the lordship. “Weel, hoo the deil do ye ken whether this be the road or no ? 

MCDLXXVI. — PICKING POCKETS.

“ THESE beer-shops, ” quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt,
“ Are ruinous, — down with the growers of malt ! ”
“ Too true, ” answers Ben, with a shake of the head,
“ Wherever they congregate, honesty’s dead.
That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder,
’T is nurtured in crime, — ’t is concocted in plunder ;
In Kent while surrounded by flourishing crops,
I saw a rogue picking a pocket  of hops. ”

MCDLXXVII. — HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES.

A WAG, reading in one of Brigham Young’s manifestoes, “that the great resources of Utah are her women,” exclaimed, “It is very evident that the prophet is disposed to husband his resources. 

MCDLXXVIII. — SMOOTHING IT DOWN.

A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, “You are writing my bill on very rough paper, sir.” — “Never mind,” was the reply of the latter, “it has to be filed  before it comes into court.”

MCDLXXIX. — MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST.

CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put his arm round the waist of Miss D——, which had provoked the defendant to strike him : “Then, sir, I presume,” said Curran, “he took that waist  for common ? 

322

MCDLXXX. — A HOPELESS INVASION.

ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in 1798, dryly observed, “They might come as they could; for his own part, he could only say that they should not come by water. 

MCDLXXXI. — DROLL TO ORDER.

ONE evening, a lady said to a small wit, “Come, Mr. ——, tell us a lively anecdote,” and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of the evening. “Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are such a lion,” said a weak party-giver to a young author. “I thank you,” replied the wit; “but on that evening I am engaged to eat fire  at the Countess of ——, and stand upon my head  at Mrs. ——.”

MCDLXXXII. — MEN OF WEIGHT.

IF fat men ride, they tire the horse,
And if they walk themselves — that ’s worse ;
Travel at all, they are at best,
Either oppressors or opprest.

MCDLXXXIII. — CHEMICAL ODDITY.

WHILE an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the difference between oxygin and hydrogin ? “Very little madam,” said he; “by oxygin we mean pure gin ;  and by hydrogin, gin and water. 

MCDLXXXIV. — AN APISH RESEMBLANCE.

CHARLES LAMB used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the principle that “it was not pleasant to look upon one’s poor relations. 

MCDLXXXV. — HE WHO SUNG “ THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME. ”

LORD MACAULAY, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to a gaping audience. 323 Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming with expectation. “Now then, my lads, what is it ?”  said he. “O, that ’s a good ’un,” replied one of the boys, “after we ’ve come all this way.” — “But what are you waiting for ?”  said the historian, astonished at the lad’s familiarity. “Waiting for ! Why ain ’t you going to sing, guv’nor ? 

MCDLXXVI. — DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS.

A VETERAN Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed, was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he who had most injured him. “Well, be it so,” said the old Gael, after a short pause, “be it so; go tell Kinmare I forgive him, — but my curses rest upon my son if ever he does. 

MCDLXXXVII. — A REASONABLE PREFERENCE.

WHETHER tall men or short men are best,
    Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
I can’t say, but this I protest,
    All the fair are in favor of Hy-men.

MCDLXXXVIII. — A DEAR BARGAIN.

QUIN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent young fellow said to him, “What would you give to be as young as I am ?” — “By the powers,” replied Quin, “I would even submit to be almost as foolish ! 

MCDLXXXIX. — SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION.

LORD BYRON was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly’s acting in the “Maid and the Magpie ”  exceedingly natural. “I really am no judge  answered his lordship, “I was never innocent  of stealing a spoon.”

MCDXC. — NO INTRUSION.

A LOQUACIOUS author, after babbling some time about 324 his piece to Sheridan, said, “Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your attention.” — “Not at all, I assure you,” replied he, “I was thinking of something else. 

MCDXCI. — EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS.

A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of experimental  and natural  philosophy, said he considered the first  to be asking a man to discount a bill at a long date, and the second  his refusing to do it.

MCDXCII. — NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS.

A MAN very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his disgraceful situation, and the anxiety  of a debtor being urged by them in very strong expressions :  “Ah !” said he, “that may be the case with a person who thinks  of paying.”

MCDXCIII. — ODD HUMOR.

WHEN Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was taken to Lord Holland, who said : “If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into my room. If I am alive,  I shall be glad to see him; if I am dead,  I am sure that he will be delighted to see me.”

MCDXCIV. — A TICKLISH OPENING.

HENRY ERSKINE happening to be retained for a client of the name of Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus : “Tickle, my client, the defendant, my lord,” — and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes) exclaimed, “Tickle him yourself,  Harry; you are as able to do so as I am.”

MCDXCV. — THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS.

HOOD suggests that the phrase, “republic  of letters” was hit upon to insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not got a sovereign  amongst them.

325

MCDXCVI. — AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE.

A PERSON meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead. “But,” says the other, “you find the report false.” — “ ’T is hard to determine,” he replied, “for the man that told me was one whose word I would sooner take than yours. 

MCDXCVII. — SELF-CONDEMNATION.

A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in an arbor. “What !” says the master, “asleep, you idle dog, you are not worthy that the sun should shine on you.” — “I am truly sensible of my unworthiness,” answered the man, “and therefore I laid myself down in the shade. 

MCDXCVIII. — AN ILLEGAL INDORSEMENT.

CURRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to his scholars. “Do, my dear doctor,” said Curran, “but don’t indorse my sins upon their backs. 

MCDXCIX. — A PLUMPER.

A YOUNG gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said, “He would certainly carry the election, for he had nobody’s voice against him but his own. 








[Back] [Blueprint] [Next]