[Back] [Blueprint] [Next]



From Joe Miller’s Jest Book,  which is a pirated but exact version of The Jest Book,  selected and arranged by Mark Lemon, except for some Americanized spellings; New York :  Hurst & Co., no date; pp. 345-365.


[345]

T H E   J E S T   B O O K.

( Jests 1600-1699. )

MDC. — ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.

A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, “Why have they made the spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow ?”  he replied, “O, ma’am, because such very fat people used to go through ” ( a reply concerning which Tom Moore remarked that “the person who does not relish it can have no perception of real wit.” )

346

MDCI. — THE SUN IN HIS EYE.

LORD PLUNKETT had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, “I wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett cannot see  the imperfections in the Tithe Corporation Act !” — “Pooh !  pooh !”  said Norbury, “the reason ’s plain enough; he has the sun  (son ) in his eye. 

MDCII. — A BRIGHT REJOINDER.

AN Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the “dirty urchin” said, “My honey, all the polish  you have is upon your boots and I gave you that.”

MDCIII. — WELL TURNED.

ON the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court, on the ground that he was cabinet-making.  The chancellor maliciously disclosed the excuse on his return. “O, indeed, my lord, that is an occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a turner  or a joiner. ”

MDCIV. — A QUICK LIE.

A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish laborer, “Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I ’ll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch.” — “By my word,” said Pat, “an’ yer honor ’s a gintleman ! 

MDCV. — A MERRY THOUGHT.

THEY cannot be complete in aught
    Who are not humorously prone ;
A man without a merry thought
    Can hardly have a funny bone.

MDCVI. — AN IMPUDENT WIT.

HOOK one day walking in the strand with a friend, had his attention directed to a very pompous gentleman, who 347 strutted along as if the street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to the stranger and said, “I beg your pardon, sir, but pray may I ask, — are you anybody in particular? ”  Before the astonished magnifico could collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query, Hook had passed on.

MDCVII. — WEARING AWAY.

A SCHOOLMASTER said of himself :  “I am like a hone,  I sharpen a number of blades,  but I wear myself in doing it.”

MDCVIII. — A PERTINENT QUESTION.

JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who was about to be tried), said, “There is a great rogue at the end of my cane.” The man pointed at, inquired, “At which end,  my lord ?”

MDCIX. — A BASE JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the lowest  of wit. “It is,” answered Erskine, “and therefore the foundation  of all wit.”

MDCX. — A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.

LORD NORTH’S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed, “Even now, in these perils, the noble lord is asleep !” — “I wish I was, ”  suddenly interposed the weary minister.

MDCXI. — ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.

BEGOT by butchers, but by bishops bred,
How high his honor holds his haughty head !

MDCXII. — NOT FINDING HIMSELF.

“HOW do you find yourself to-day,” said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as he met him going in dinner costume to 348 the city. “Thank you,” he replied, “the Lord Mayor finds me  to-day.”

MDCXIII. — A WITTY PROPOSITION.

SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated and ready to commence business. Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said :  “Will any gentleman move  that I may take the chair ? 

MDCXIV. — A WARM MAN.

A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied that he kept a hot-house.

MDCXV. — LONG AGO.

A LADY, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. “There was a time,” he remarked, “when I almost imagined she had no tongue. ” — “Yes,” said the husband, with a sigh, “but it ’s very, very long  since !”

MDCXVI. — AN UNLIKELY RESULT.

WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him offered him “suche poore cheere” as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied, “Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but whensover so I do, then thrust me out of your doors. 

MDCXVII. — POLITICAL LOGIC.

IF two decided negatives will make
Together one affirmative, let ’s take
P——t’s and L——t’s, each a rogue per se,
Who by this rule an honest pair will be.

MDCXVIII. — A WISE DECISION.

A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, 349 cried out, as he came near the place, “Who can swim ?” — “I, master,” said forty bawling mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after him; but the fellow turning about, said, “Sir, I cannot swim.” — “Then you are my man,” said the gentleman, “for you will at least take care of me for your own sake. 

MDCXIX. — A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.

A SCOTTISH minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice, “I should like to know who is the head of this house ?” — “Weel, sir,” said the husband and father, “if ye sit doon a wee, we ’ll maybe be able to tell ye, for we ’re just trying to settle that point. 

MDCXX. — A POOR LAUGH.

CURRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned counsel had asked him a question. “What are you laughing at, friend,” said Curran, “what are you laughing at ?  Let me tell you that a laugh, without a joke is like —  is like ——” — “Like what, Mr. Curran ?”  asked the judge, imagining he was at fault. “Just exactly, my lord, like a contingent remainder  without any particular estate  to support it.”

MDCXXI. — AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.

ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney Smith, when taking his leave of him, said :  “Good by, my dear Selwyn; I hope you will not disagree  with the man who eats you !”

MDCXXII. — MATRIMONY

“ MY dear, what makes you always yawn ? ”
The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
         “ Is home so dull and dreary ? ”

350 “ Not so,” my love, ” he said, “ Not so ;
But man and wife are one,  you know ;
         And when alone  I ’m weary. ”

MDCXXIII. — DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.

CURRAN, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening his lips; to which sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the advantage of him :  “I spoke,” said he, “the other night in the House of Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the least thirsty.” — “It is  very remarkable indeed” rejoined Curran, “for every one agrees that was the driest  speech of the session.”

MDCXXIV. — SHAKESPEARIAN GROG.

AS for the brandy, “nothing extenuate,” — and the water, “put naught in, in malice.”

MDCXXV. — A JURY CASE.

CURRAN, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused by Lord Clare’s hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of resuming nisi prius  business, said :  “I had been under full sail to fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly wrecked me, and ever since I have been only bearing up under jury-masts.”

MDCXXVI. — SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.

LORD ALVANLEY, after his duel with young O’Connell, gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, “My Lord, I only took you to —” Alvanley interrupted him with, “My friend, the guinea is for bringing me back,  not for taking me out.”

MDCXXVII. — “ THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH. ”

A DYING miser sent for his solicitor, and said, “Now begin, and I will dictate particulars.” — “I give and bequeath,” 351 commenced the man of law. “No, no,” interrupted the testator; “I do nothing of the kind; I will never give or bequeath anything :  I cannot do it.” — “Well, then,” suggested the attorney, after some consideration, “suppose you say, ‘ I lend,  until the last day?’ ” — “Yes, yes, that will do, ”  eagerly rejoined the miser.

MDCXXVIII. — AN ENDLESS TASK.

WHO seeks to please all men each way,
    And not himself offend,
He may begin his work to-day,
    But who knows when he ’ll end ?

MDCXXIX. — PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.

MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of Punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew who she was, exclaimed, “Ah !  It ’s all over with the drama,  it we don’t encourage one another.”

MDCXXX. — A CELESTIAL VISION.

QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than men, replied, “It is in conformity with the other arrangements of Nature, madam; we always see more of heaven than earth. 

MDCXXXI. — DESTITUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.

ONE morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that, being about to compile a history of distinguished families in Somersetshire, he had called to obtain the Smith arms.  “I regret, sir,” said the reverend wit, “not to be able to contribute to so valuable a work; but the Smiths  never had any arms.  and have invariably sealed their letters with their thumbs. 

MDCXXXII. — UNCIVIL WARNING.

A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and silly chatterer, was asked to help 352 her to the usual concomitant of boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, “Parsley, — fatal to parrots. 

MDCXXXIII. — AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.

WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him for being a Scotchman. “I find,” said he, “that I am come to London at a bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and liberal mind, and you know that I cannot help coming from Scotland. ” — “Sir,” replied the doctor, archly, “no more  can the rest of your countrymen.”

MDCXXXIV. — DONE FOR.

TWO gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in a market-place. “I ’ll bet you a crown,” said one, “you don’t know what it’s for.” — “Done,” said the other. “it is for sale. ”  The bet was paid.

MDCXXXV. — A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.

THOMAS HOOD says :  “Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. Pints  cannot be deemed potations.”

MDCXXXVI. — THE DOG TAX.

BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold remarked to Brown, “Have you heard the rumor that ’s flying about town ?” — “No.” — “Well, they say that Jones pays the dog-tax for you. 

MDCXXXVII. — A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.

HOOD described a good church minister as “Piety parsonified. 

MDCXXXVIII. — A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.

ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an attorney, was complaining of the great expense 353 of a funeral cavalcade in the country. “Why, do you bury  your attorneys here ?”  asked Foote. “Yes, to be sure we do :  how else ?” — “O, we never do that in London.” — “No ?”  said the other, much surprised; “how do you manage, then ?” — “Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the morning he is gone.” — “Indeed !”  exclaimed the farmer, with amazement; “what becomes of him ?” — “Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know is, there ’s a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning. 

MDCXXXIX. — THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.

A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, “You are always making observations upon my nose ;  perhaps you think it was made at the expense  of yours.”

MDCXL. — A YORKSHIRE BULL.

A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the blind Asylum, began by gravely remarking :  “If all the world were blind, what a melancholy sight  it would be !”

MDCXLI. — A ONE-SIDED JOKE.

A LADY requested her husband’s permission to wear rouge.  “I can give you permission, my dear,” he replied, “only for one  cheek.”

MDCXLII. — TWO CURES FOR AGUE.

BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were, after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible for the other. “Besides,” added he, “there are two well-known preservatives against ague; the one is, a good deal of care  and a little port wine ;  the other, a little care  and a good deal of port wine. I  prefer the former; but if 354 any of the clergy prefer the latter  it is at all events a remedy which incumbents  can afford better than curates. 

MDCXLIII. — A QUESTION OF DESCENT.

A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent, said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with proper respect :  “Do you know, fellow, that my ancestor’s came over with William the Conqueror ?” — “And, perhaps,” retorted the sturdy Saxon, “they found mine here  when they comed.”

MDCXLIV. — PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.

A LAIRD’S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, “I am going to send the young laird abroad.” — “What for ?”  asks the tenant. Laird answered, “To see the world.” Tenant replied, “But lordsake, laird, will no the world see him ? ”

MDCXLV. — A RULE OF PRACTICE.

IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for himself without a fee,  and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea out of one pocket and put it into the other.

MDCXLVI. — WITS AGREEING.

WHEN Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a pert  young fellow asked him what he would give to be as young as he. “I would be content,” cried Foote, “to be as foolish. ”  Jerrold made a similar reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick. “Never !”  said Douglas; “then I ’d almost have your head with your stomach.”

MDCXLVII. — LITERARY PASTIME.

ONCE a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave it 355 up, with the exclamation, “Hang the pig !  I can’t  make him.” — “Nay, Hill,” exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, “you have done more; instead of one pig, you have made a litter. 

MDCXLVIII. — A FREE TRANSLATION.

MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More “he was too much elated with his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, ‘Honores mutant mores.’ ” — “No, my lord,” said Sir Thomas, “the pun will do much better in English, ‘Honors change  Manners.”

MDCXLIX. — AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.

A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship and marriage, — how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, “Ah !  she evidently thought you better than nun. 

MDCL. — RECIPROCAL ACTION.

A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth open. “Sir,” said the doctor, “your disease is incurable. Your skin is too short,  so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens.”

MDCLI. — ACRES AND WISEACRES.

A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that “No one should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed property.” — “May I ask, sir,” replied Curran, “how many acres make a wise-acre ? 

MDCLII. — AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.

TWO young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their expenses, agreed the one to board,  and the other to lodge.

356

MDCLIII. — A REASON FOR BEING LATE.

CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge :  the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen struggling with his fate. “I wonder,” said the gentleman, “that the elephant did not secure an inside  place.” — “He was too late, my friend,” replied Canning; “he was detained packing up his trunk. 

MDCLIV. — COOL AS A CUCUMBER.

SOME one was mentioning in Lamb’s presence the cold-heartedness of the Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and insisting on her receiving him in state. “How horribly cold  it was,” said the narrator. “Yes,” replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; “but you know he is the Duke of Cu-cum-berland. 

MDCLV. — AN AMPLE APOLOGY.

A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors commended. “Yes,” said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, “it was a good sermon, but he stole it.” This was repeated to the preacher, who resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. “I will,” replied the aggressor. “I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong, for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, I found it there. 

MDCLVI. — FUNERAL INVITATION.

SIR BOYLE ROACH had a servant who was as great an original as his master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have taken place had been changed. “Sir,” says he, “my master sends his compliments  to you, and he won’t be buried till to-morrow evening.”

MDCLVII. — A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.

FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh 357 discord under his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play elsewhere, as one scraper at the door  was sufficient.

MDCLVIII. — COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.

A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the little rascal.  A stranger asked him why the appellation had been given to him. “To distinguish me from the rest of my trade,” quoth he, “who are all great rascals. 

MDCLIX. — GARTH AND ROWE.

DOCTOR GARTH, who used frequently to go to the Wit’s Coffee House, the Cocoa-Tree, in St. James’s Street, was sitting there one morning conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince. After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek characters, Φ  Ρ  (phi, rho)  Fie !  Rowe !   The poet was so mortified that he quitted the room immediately.

MDCLX. — A SECRET DISCOVERED.

’T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat,
    Always abuses in his chatter :
He ’s truly such a thorough flat,
    We can’t expect to see him flatter.

MDCLXI. — INTERESTED INQUIRY.

AN attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a distinguished judge. “Mr. Attorney,” was the reply, “I am in horrible good health at present. 

358

MDCLXII. — A BEARABLE PUN.

AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, “Bear  sold her.” — “He spells the word quite correctly,” said Theodore Hook, “if he means to apprise us that the article is his own Bruin. 

MDCLXIII. — CITY GLUTTON.

THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his promotion to city honors. Among the guest was a noisily vulgar deputy, a great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy, with unblushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether he did not think that his nightcap became him. “O, yes, sir,” replied Wilkes, “but it would look much better if it was pulled quite over  your face.”

MDCLXIV. — A PRETTY REPLY.

LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform club, jocosely remarked to Alexis Soyer, chef de cuisine,  that his female assistants were all very pretty. “Yes, my lord,” replied Soyer; “plain  cooks will not do here.”

MDCLXV. — A CONVENIENT THEORY.

AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech :  “Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity’s a private concern, and what I gives is nothing to nobody. 

MDCLXVI. — BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.

DRYDEN’S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, “The original is indeed excellent; but everything suffers by a translation, — except a bishop ! 

359

MDCLXVII. — PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.

PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him. “Honest man, you have no business here. Honest man  you can  have no business in this place. ” — “I believe,” rejoined his lordship, “you are right; honest men  can have no business here.”

MDCLXVIII. — RIGID IMPARTIALITY.

SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the Edinburgh Review,  found him reading a book preparatory to writing an account of it, and expostulated with him. “Why, how do you manage ?”  asked his friend. “I never,” said the wit, “read a book before  reviewing it; it prejudices one so. 

MDCLXIX. — WHITBREAD’S ENTIRE.

ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was returned, Mr. Denis O’Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that “there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke of Northumberland’s porter, than give their support to a man of talent and probity, like Mr. Sheridan.” Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan only observed, “that to be sure his friend O’Brien was wrong and intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland’s porter; though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would give the preference to Mr. Whitbread’s entire. 

MDCLXX. — A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.

A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when sixpence would have been enough, remarked that “He knew no difference between a shilling  360 and sixpence. ” — “but you will, young gentleman,” an old economist replied, “when you come to be worth eighteen-pence. 

MDCLXXI. — A GRIM JOKE.

DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of Charles the first and his son James the Second, — that the former’s was a wet  martyrdom, and the other’s a dry one.

MDCLXXII. — INSURANCE ASSURANCE.

THE collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these admonitory words, “Let them insure,  as they wish to be saved.”

MDCLXXIII. — GENUINE LAZINESS.

A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father’s concerns in the time of hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have been at work. “What is this ?”  cried the youth; “why, me, you are so indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of you.” — “I am he,” cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself at his ease. “Here then,” said the youth, holding out the money. “O, Master George,” said the fellow, folding his arms, “do pray take the trouble of putting it into my pocket  for me.”

MDCLXXIV. — CUTTING.

A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that “The pen is mightier than the sword,” ought to have spoken a good word for the “scissors.” Jerrold called scissors “an editor’s steel-pen.”

MDCLXXV. — GONE OUT.

A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west 361 end of the town, where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the servant that her master had gone out. “O, well, never mind, I ’ll speak to your mistress.” — “She ’s also gone out, sir.” The gentleman, not willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would step in, and sit down by the fire for a few minutes. “Ah !  sir, but it is gone out  too,” replied the girl.

MDCLXXVI. — A GOOD JUDGE.

“HONESTY is the best policy,” said a Scotchman. “I know it, my friend, for I have tried baith. 

MDCLXXVII. — MR. CHARLES YORKE.

WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr. Yorke, in thanking him, said, “Sir, I have great reason to be thankful to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular obligation to you  for the very remarkable countenance  you have shown  me upon this occasion.”

MDCLXXVIII. — THE SALIC LAW.

IS a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen.

MDCLXXIX. — CHARLES JAMES FOX.

AFTER Byron’s engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman’s ball, and finding that it had made but little impression, he exclaimed, “Egad, Adam, it had been all over with me, if you had not charged with government powder ! 

MDCLXXX. — PREFERMENT.

AMONG the daily inquirers after the health of an aged 362 Bishop of D——m, during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the Bishop of E——r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus addressed him :  “Be so good as to present my compliments to Lord Bishop, and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of W——r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, if that will do. 

MDCLXXXI. — COMPLIMENTARY.

A GENTLEMAN dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire. “Excuse me, sir,” said Napkin, drawing himself up, “but I ’m responsible  for the silver.”

MDCLXXXII. — DR. DONNE.

DR. DONNE, the Dean of St. Paul’s, having married a lady of a rich and noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him :  “John Donne, Anne Donne, undone. ”  This quibble had the desired effect, and the distressed couple were restored to favor.”

MDCLXXXIII. — VULGARITY.

SIR WALTER SCOTT once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of something, that it was vulgar,  gave the young lady the following temperate rebuke :  “My love, you speak like a very young lady; do you know after all, the meaning of the word vulgar ?  ’T is only common ;  nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth having or caring about in this world is uncommon. ” 

MDCLXXXIV. — AN EXPENSIVE JOB.

A GENTLEMAN passing a country church while under 363 repair, observed to one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. “Why, yes,” replied he; “but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our reverend divine has endeavoured to do, for the last thirty years, in vain.” — “What is that ?”  said the gentleman. “Why, bring all the parish to repentance. 

MDCLXXXV. — PROSINESS.

A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that “he really though he should have died  with laughter.” — “I wish to heaven you had,” was Jerrold’s reply.

MDCLXXXVI. — A PLEASANT MESSAGE.

MR. BARTLEMAN, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester :  another basso was applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the noble manner in which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary and pleasant message :  “When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards to him ;  and tell him how much we missed him  during the festival !”

MDCLXXXVII. — EXISTENCE OF MATTER.

AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, “What ’s the matter ? ”  His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied, “No matter, Berkeley. 

MDCLXXXVIII. — A SAUCY ANSWER.

A BARRISTER attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had brass  enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, “and you have sauce  enough to fill it.”

364

MDCLXXXIX. — QUAINT EPITAPH.

DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for him, received the following : —

Here lies Fuller’ s earth ! 

MDCXC. — AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN.

SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance :  “I hope, my Lord, if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you ’ll stay there all night. ”  When he was suffering from an attack of the gout, he thus rebuked his shoemaker :  “O, you ’re a precious blockhead to do directly the reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes larger  than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them smaller  than the other !”

MDCXCI. — GOOD ENOUGH FOR A PIG.

AN Irish peasant being asked why he permitted the pig to take up its quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical naïveté :  “Why not? Does n’t the place afford every convenience that a pig can require? 

MDCXCII. — FARCICAL.

IN Bannister’s time, a farce was performed under the title of “Fire and Water. ” — “I predict its fate,” said he. “What fate ?”  whispered the anxious author at his side. “What fate !”  said Bannister; “why, what can fire and water produce but a hiss ? 

MDCXCIII. — TOO MUCH AT ONCE.

LORD CHESTERFIELD one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a degree of pertness, observed, “It is said every one must eat a peck of dirt  before he dies.” — “That may be true,” said Chesterfield, “but no one is obliged to eat it all at one meal,  you dirty dog.”

365

MDCXCIV. — EPIGRAM.

( On Bishop ——’s Religion. )

THOUGH not a Catholic, his lordship has,
’T is plain, strong disposition to a-mass ( a mass. )

MDCXCV. — POSSIBLE CENSORS.

DR. CADOGAN was boasting of the eminence of his profession, and spoke loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirical against it; “but,” he added, “I have escaped, for no one complains of me.” — “That is more than you can tell, doctor,” said a lady who was present, “unless you know what people say in the other world. 

MDCXCVI. — A CONNUBIAL COMPLIMENT.

A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the difference between exportation  and transportation. “Why, my dear,” he replied, “if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, you  would be exported,  and I  should be transported. 

MDCXCVII. — DOUBLE SIGHT.

A MAN with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. “You have lost,” says the first; “I can see the two  eyes in your face, and you can see only one  in mine.”

MDCXCVIII. — WITTY AT HIS OWN EXPENSE.

SHERIDAN was once asked by a gentleman :  “How is it that your name has not an O prefixed to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt illustrious.” — “No family,” replied Sheridan, “has a better right to an O than our family; for, in truth, we owe  everybody.”

MDCXCIX. — A CONVERSATIONAL EPIGRAM.

SAID Bluster to Whimple, “You juvenile fool,
    Get out of my way, do you hear ?”
Said Whimple, “A fool did you say ?  By that rule
    I ’m much in your way  as I fear.”








[Back] [Blueprint] [Next]