From Joe Miller’s Jest Book, which is a pirated but exact version of The Jest Book, selected and arranged by Mark Lemon, except for some Americanized spellings; New York : Hurst & Co., no date; pp. 107-130.
( Jests 500-599. )
MURPHY was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning : “Indeed, master, it ’s because of taking 108 your own advice, always to attind to what I ’m about; as whenever I sleeps, I pays attintion to it.
A SCHOOLBOY going into the village without leave, his master called after him, “Where are you going, sir ? ” — “I am going to buy a ha’porth of nails.” — “What do you want a ha’porth of nails for ?” — “For a halfpenny,” replied the urchin.
LORD WILLIAM POULAT was said to be the author of a pamphlet called “The Snake in the Grass.” A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began : “This is to scratify that the buk called “The Snak’” — “Oh ! my Lord,” said the person, “I am satisfied; your Lordship has already convinced me you did not write the book.”
A PHYSICIAN once defended himself from raillery by saying, “I defy any person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or neglect.” — “That you may do safely,” replied an auditor, “for you know, doctor, dead men tell no tales.”
WHEN I courted her,” said Spreadweasel, “I took lawyer’s advice, and signed every letter to my love, — ‘Yours, without prejudice !’ ” — D. J. [Douglas Jerrold.]
A WAG, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him what it was. “A poniard,” anwwered he; but he observed that it was a bottle : taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it, saying, “There, I give you the scabbard back again.”
109WHEN Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, “To me his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like a father.” — “Yes,” remarked Brougham, “I understand he always treated you like a child.”
AT a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each gentleman should toast his favorite Belle. When it came to the turn of Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the quorum ) to be called on for the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave, “The College Bell !” Vivat collegium Sancti Petri !
WHEN some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to Mr. Canning, he exclaimed : “Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of a language which has but one word for liking and loving, and puts a fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par : — J’aime Julie ; J’aime un gigot !”
( On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate. )
A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. “You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come ?” — “Please, sir,” said the favorite, “I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steamboat-bell.” — “Very well,” said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favorite. “And now, sir,” turning 110 to the other, “what have you to say ” — “Please, sir,” said the puzzled boy, “I — I — was waiting to see Tom off ! ”
LORD AVONDALE, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, “oming through the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ——” “O, my goodness ! — he killed the child ! ” exclaimed his lordship. “No, my lord, the calf ; but you will always anticipate.”
A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold’s presence : —
“My dear, you certainly want some new trousers.” — “No, I think not,” replied the husband.
“Well,” Jerrold interposed, “I think the lady who always wears them ought to know.”
A GOOD story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore’s Memoirs. The dramatis personæ were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian, and an eminent French physician, — the historian and doctor being rivals in courting the lady’s favor. Impatient at Gibbon’s occupying so much of her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him, “Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la guérirai.” [When my Lady Elizabeth is made ill by your twaddle, I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, “Quand milady elizabeth Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l’im-mor-taliserai.” [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]
AMONG the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who had previously filled the office of 111 Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. “Alderman Wood, feu Lord Maire de Londres,” which he distributed amongst people of rank, having translated the word “late” into “feu,” which we need hardly state means “dead.”
SIR JOHN GERMAIN was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy to Sir Matthew Decker, as the author of St. Matthew’s Gospel.
Churchill (General C——, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked Pulteney the other day, “Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me, too ?” — “No, Charles,” replied he, “you break fast enough of yourself !” Don’t you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would ?
Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity, Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his company; that he never heard so much heathenish talk in his days. Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said before him, that the soul was only a little glue.
A CLERGYMAN, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be let off, saying, “I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next Sunday.” — “Certainly,” said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the archbishop said to him, “Well ! Mr. ——, what became of you ? we expected you to preach to-day.” — “Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my preaching to-day.” — “Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you from preaching.”
( On Mr. Croker’s reputation for being a wag. )
THEY say his wit’s refined ! thus is explained
The seeming mystery — his wit is strained.
“WHAT is the difference,” asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman he was examining, “between a form and a ceremony ? The meaning seems nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction.” Various answers were given. “Well,” he said, “it lies in this : you sit upon a form, but you stand upon ceremony. ”
SOME one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and later, “Ay,” quoth Rogers, “it will soon end in our not dining till to-morrow.”
AS a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm
Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,
Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver —
“You’re my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you’ re my Liver.”
“Alas !” cried the Fair on his left — “to what use ?
For you never saw either served up with a goose !”
A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were “few and far between,” despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman, “Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef ?” — “Yes, sir.” — “Bless me,” resumed the hungry wit, “how you have grown ! ”
“MORROW’S Library” is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a popular preacher. “How inconsistent,” said Archbishop Whately, “is the piety of certain ladies here. They go to Day for a sermon and to Morrow for a novel !”
A MAN was described in a plea as “I. Jones,” and the 113 pleader referred in another part of the plea to “I” as an “initial.” The plaintiff said that the plea was bad, because “I” was not a name. Sir W. Maule said that there was no reason why a man might not be christened “I” as well as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pronounced alone. The counsel for the plaintiff then objected that the plea admitted that “I” was not a name by describing it as “an initial.” — “Yes,” retorted the judge, “but it does not aver that it is not a final as well as an initial letter.”
A MAN being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much impropriety; and at last saying the word curiosity, a counsellor exclaimed, “How that fellow murders the English language !” — “Nay,” returned another, “he has only knocked an I out.”
THE late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amiable man, of whose periodical fits of absence most edifying stories are still repeated by his friends, was an excellent and eloquent speaker, but in truth, there was often more sound than matter in his orations. He had a habit of lending emphasis to his arguments by violently beating with his clenched hand the bar before which he pleaded. Once when stating a case to Lord Polkemmet, with great energy of action, his lordship interposed, and exclaimed, “Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye think ye ’re duntin ’t into me, and ye ’re just duntin ’t out o’ me.”
AS Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage,
And, face to face, the noisy contest wage;
“Don ’t cock your chin at me,” Dick smartly cries.
“Fear not — his head ’s not charged, ” a friend replies.
A YOUNG actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening called him into the green-room, and 114 addressed him to this effect : “Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your acceptance of a small piece of plate.” It was, beyond all question, a very small piece, for it was a silver toothpick !
AT a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host, “Mr. —— !” There was silence. “Mr. ——, what is the proper female companion of this John Dory ?” After the usual number of guesses an answer came, “Anne Chovy.”
A FRIEND of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so much time upon his works. “You do not know, then,” said he, “that I have a master very difficult to please?” — “Who ?” — “Myself. ”
WILKES, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied, with affected gravity, “Nay, sire, don’t call Serjeant Glynn a friend of mine; the fellow was a Wilkite, which your Majesty knows I never was. ”
A PERSON came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, “My lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation !” — “What has happened, man ?” said the astonished Chancellor. “My lord, a rebellion has broken out.” — “Where ? where ?” — “In the Isle of Man.” — “In the Isle of Man,” repeated the enraged Chancellor. “A tempest in a teapot !”
AN honorable member, speaking about the tax on tobacco, somewhat ludicrously called for certain returns.
115A YOUNG chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. “Sir,” said Lord Mulgrave, bowing to him, “there were some things in your sermon of to-day I never heard before.” — “O, my lord !” said the flattered chaplain, “it is a common text, and I could not have hoped to have said anything new on the subject.” — “I heard the clock strike twice, ” said Lord Mulgrave.
“I CAN’T find bread for my family,” said a lazy fellow in company. “Nor I,” replied an industrious miller; “I am obliged to work for it.’
MR. ALEXANDER, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony. “You are a builder, I believe ?” — “No, sir : I am not a builder; I am an architect !” — “Ah, well ! Architect or builder, builder or architect, they are much the same, I suppose ?” — “I beg your pardon, sir; I cannot admit that : I consider them to be totally different !” — “O, indeed ! Perhaps you will state wherein this great difference consists ?” — “An architect, sir, prepares the plans, conceives the design, draws out the specifications, — in short, supplies the mind. The builder is merely the bricklayer or the carpenter : the builder, in fact, is the machine, — the architect the power that puts the machine together, and sets if going !” — “O, very well, Mr. Architect, that will do ! And now, after your very ingenious distinction without a difference, perhaps you can inform the court who was the architect for the tower of Babel !” — “There was no architect, sir, and hence the confusion ! ”
A BERMONDSEY tanner would often engage;
In a long tête-â-tête with his dame,
116
While trotting to town in the Kennington stage,
About giving their villa a name.
A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk,
Stole out, half an hour after dark,
Picked up in the roadway a fragment of chalk,
And wrote on the palings, — “Hide Park !”
A CONCEITED young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. “O, my dear sir,” replied the wit, “say nothing about it, you were not missed. ”
ON Dr. K——’s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, “The Irish government will not be able to stand many more such Knocks Down as this !”
A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to Madame Vestris, said : “Madame, this is Mr. B——, who is not such a fool as he looks.” — “True, madame,” said the comedian; “and that is the great difference between me and my friend.”
DURING the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it was said to be part of the stage directions, — “Enter the Red Coat : Exeunt Hat and Cloak.”
AS Jekyll walked out in his gown and his wig,
He happened to tread on a very small pig :
“Pig of science,” he said, “or else I’m mistaken,
For surely thou art an abridgment of Bacon.”
“PRAY, sir,” said Lady Wallace to David Hume, “I am often asked what age I am; what answer should I make ?” Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her ladyship’s meaning, said, “Madam, when you are asked that question again, answer that you are not yet come to the years of discretion.”
THE motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was Non rapui se recepi [“I did not steal it, but I received it”]. This being shown to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, “The receiver is as bad as the thief.”
( On ——’s declaring his detestation of all meanness. )
IF really —— do but loathe
Things base or mean, I must confess
I ’d very freely take my oath,
Self-love ’s a fault he don’t possess.
“YOU have already read that section four times, Mr. ——,” said Maule to a prosing counsel. “It’s iteration ! It’s ——, I use no epithet, It is iteration;” his look implying the anathema.
THUS, with kind words, Fairface cajoled his friend :
“Dear Dick ! On me thou may’st assured depend;
I know thy fortune is but very scant.
But never will I see my friend in want.”
Dick soon in gaol, believed his friend would free him ;
He kept his word, — in want he ne’er would see him !
WHEAN Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a 118 mutiny broke out in the ship, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. The men signed a round robin, wherein they declared that they would not fire a gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this declaration, caused all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed them : “My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense : — I’ll clap you alongside the first ship of the enemy I see, and I know that the Devil himself will not be able to keep you from it. ” The men all returned to their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten times over.
AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles, it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing. Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At length the wittiest among them thus ended the contest : —
“ Good friends, as I ’m to make a po’m,
Excuse me, if I just step home;
Two lines already ! — be not cru’l,
Consider, honeys, — I ’m a fool.
There’s four lines ! — now I ’ll gain the fowls,
With which I soon shall fill my bow’ls. ”
IT is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the “Hunchback” at Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a sovereign, which he probably would have done had he at the time refused to take no change. The Reform Bill was under consideration.
AN Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so by this announcement : “Now, then, all ye blackguards that is n’t lawyers, must lave the court.”
119AN old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife, who was dying. She took him by the hand. “Weel, John, we’re gawin to part. I hae been a gude wife to you, John.” — “O, just middling, just middling, Jenny,” said John, not disposed to commit himself. “John,” says she, “ye maun promise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra’von beside my mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke o’ Glasgow.” — “Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman,” said John soothingly, “we ’ll just pit you in the Gorbals first, and gin ye dinna lie quiet, we ’ll try you sine in Stra’von.”
SIR CHARLES WAGER always said, “that if a sea-fight lasted three days, he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no other nation would stand beating for two days together.”
Yesterday we had another hearing of the petition of the merchants, when Sir Robert Godschall (then Lord Mayor) shone brighter than even his usual. There was a copy of a letter produced, the original being lost; he asked whether the copy had been taken before the original was lost, or after !
This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves so dull, one would think he chewed opium. Earl says, “I have heard an oyster speak as well twenty times.”
MR. P.——, a candidate for Berkshire, was said to have admitted his want of head, by demanding a poll.
A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that he was drunk when he committed the offence. “Drunk !” exclaimed Lord Hermand, in great indignation; “if he could do such 120 a thing when he was drunk, what might he not have done when he was sober ? ” evidently implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful one, was a condition of intoxication.
THIS case is the strangest we ’ve known in our life,
The husband’s a huband, and so is the wife.
THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to him : —
“Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea ?”
Jerrold, — “O yes; I ’ve all the confidence, but I have n’t the guinea.”
AT Portsmouth, during the representation of Richard the Third, on Richard exclaiming, “O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here,” Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, “Would they were battle-axes (basilisks) to strike thee dead.”
A MAN being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, “He was washing bowels ? ” — “Yes, sir.” — “The bowels of an animal, I suppose ?” — “Yes, sir.” The counsel sits down. Justice Maule : “Pray, was it a wren’s stomach ?”
A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over him. He replied, “Wet, ma’am, — very wet. ”
121MR. JAMES BOSWELL, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr. Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal cry in the galleries was, “Encore the cow ! Encore the cow !” This was complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus : “My dear sir, I would confine myself to the cow. ”
A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big places. “An’ whaur come ye frae yersel ?” was the question of the gude wife. “Ou ! I am from the Border !” — “The Border. Oh ! I thocht that; for we aye think the selvidge is the wakest bit o’ the wab !”
WHEN the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how Thurlow drew with them. “I don’t know,” said the Premier, “how he draws, but he has not refused his oats yet.”
( On Lord ——s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to excessive gout. )
IN asserting that Z. is with villany rife,
I very much doubt if the Whigs misreport him ;
Since two members attached to his person through life,
Have, on recent occasions, refused to support him.
LORD M —— had a very exalted opinion of his own 122 cleverness, and once made the following pointed remark : “When I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst out a laughing !” — “I envy you your happiness, my lord, then,” said Charles Townshend, “for you must certainly live the merriest life of any man in Europe.”
AT a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table, and roared at his adversary : —
“I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William !”
The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out-mastered by mere lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite : —
“And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second !”
Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung the bell, and shouted : —
“Waiter, spittoons for two ! ”
MR. JUSTICE MAULE would occasionally tax the powers of country juries. Ex. gr. “Gentlemen,” said the judge, “the learned counsel is perfectly right in his law, there is some evidence upon that point; but he ’s a lawyer, and you ’re not, and you don’t know what he means by some evidence, so I’ll tell you. Suppose there was an action on a bill of exchange, and six people swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six others swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and six others knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting; and suppose on the other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with the defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, why there ’d be some evidence that it was not, and that ’s what Mr. —— means in this case.” Need we add that the jury retired to consider their verdict ?
123A SCHOOLMASTER asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was the Latin for cold. “O sir,” answered the lad, “I forget at the moment, although I have it at my finger’s ends. ”
“DO come and dine with me,” said John to Pat : “you must; though I have only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you.” — “O my dear fellow ! don’t make the laist apology about the dinner, it ’s the very same I should have had at home, barrin’ the beef. ”
COUNSELLOR LAMB, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that “he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older.” — “No wonder,” replied the relentless barrister; “every one knows the older a lamb grows, the more sheepish he becomes.”
TRUE wit is like the brilliant stone
Dug from Golconda’s mine ;
Which boasts two various powers in one,
To cut as well as shine.
Genius, like that, if polished right,
With the same gifts abounds ;
Appears at once both keen and bright,
And sparkles while it wounds.
A BARRISTER opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule interrupted him. “I wish, Mr. ——, you would put your facts in some order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any order you like — alphabetical order. ”
124HATTON, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and particularly in the part of Jack Junk, was one night at Gosport, performing the character of Barbarossa. In the scene where the tyrant makes love to Zapphira, and reminds her of his services against the enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word from the prompter; when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy of tragedy —
“Did not I,
By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted,
And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson,
Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders,
From Egypt’s shores ?”
The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheered the actor with three rounds of applause.
A GENTLEMAN having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator, “how he would have it done ?” — “If possible,” replied the gentleman, “in silence. ”
A MASTER of a ship called out, “Who is below ?” A boy answered, “Will, sir.” — “What are you doing ?” — “Nothing, sir.” — “Is Tom there ?” — “Yes,” said Tom. “What are you doing ?” — “Helping Will, sir.”
WHEN the comedy of “She Stoops to Conquer” was in rehearsal, Goldsmith took great pains to give the performers his idea of their several parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to hear the representative of Young Marlow play it as an Irishman. As soon as Marlow came off the stage, Goldsmith asked him the meaning of this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. “Sir,” replied the comedian, “I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in which you instructed 125 me, except that I did not give it quite so strong a brogue. ”
A TOPING bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W. Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question. “How will you have it ?” replied, “Cold, without sugar. ”
AN Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on the stubbles. “Noo ! Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are !”
Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound. “Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye ’ve made thae yins shift their quarters. ”
LORD ELDON always pronounced the word lien as though it were lean and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word lean. On this Jekyll wrote the following epigram : —
“Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean,
By saying the Chancellor’s lion is lean ?
D ’ye think that his kitchen ’s so bad as all that,
That nothing within it will ever get fat ?”
SAYS P — l — s, “Why the Bishops are
By nature meant the soil to share,
I ’ll quickly make you understand ;
For can we not deduct with ease,
That nature has designed the seas
Expressly to divide the land ? ”
DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the University of Cambridge, he was called 126 in, in a case of some difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, “He ! if he were to descend into the patient’s stomach with a candle and lantern, when he ascended he would not be able to name the complaint.”
KING HENRY VIII., designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying, “Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his life.” — “Fear not,” said old Harry, “if the French king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen Frenchmen now in my power.” — “But of all these heads,” replied the nobleman, “there may not be one to fit my shoulders.”
THE great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself, saying, “He could not afford to keep a conscience.”
A TRADESMAN having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last desired his servant one morning to admit him. “My friend,” said he to him, “I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business, and don’t lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a set of vagabonds, for whom I have no affection, and they may waste their time as they please.”
127SERJEANT WHITAKER, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a bed, and the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm. “Yes, madam,” replied the serjeant’; “yes, pretty well, on the whole. At first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it did every bit as well.”
A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner, indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this tête-à-tête the duchess said, with great animation, “I have seen everything ! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I do long so much to see that !” The curiosity of the monarch was so greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he eagerly asked her what it was. “A coronation,” replied the thoughtless duchess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression replied, “I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have have your wish. ” Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.
HOOK was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, “Why when no one else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the épergne, and bow to the flowers.”
128A GENTLEMAN in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, “He wanted to see what the ministry were about.” Foote, with a smile, replied, “Look among the robberies. ”
A LAZY fellow lying down on the grass said, “O, how I do wish that this was called work ; and well paid !”
IN spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank, his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, “You see, madam, wherever you go there are no seats to be got.”
“ WE row in the same boat, you know,” said a literary friend to Jerrold. This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only. Jerrold replied, “True, my good fellow, we do row in the same boat, but with very different skulls.”
SIR BOYLE ROCHE said, “Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much greater.”
129IN the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an appointment apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called in to see a man who had fallen down a well. “Did he kick the bucket, doctor ?” groaned out poor George.
( On ——’s Late Neglect of His Judicial Duties. )
LORD ——’s left his circuit for a day,
Which is to me a mystery profound :
He leaves the circuit ! he, of whom they say,
That he delights in constant turning round.
DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. “I never see those men together,” said he, “but they put me in mind of Shakespeare’s comedy, Measure for Measure ! ”
THERE had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant’s, the late Lord Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guests up stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at their sleeping apartments. One or two of the guests, however, were walking up stairs and declined the proffered assistance. The attendants were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, “Aigh, it ’s sare cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their ain feet. ”
A GENTLEMAN was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The gentleman replied “I will remember you when I return.” — “Please your honor,” says the man, “I ’m ruined by the credit I give in that way.”
130A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After he had done so, the counsel remarked, “They can’t be such a rare breed, as I have some like them in my yard.” — “That ’s very likely,” said the farmer; “these are not the only ducks of the same sort I ’ve had stolen lately.”
A REGULAR physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. “Not so trifling, neither,” replied the quack; “for, to tell you the truth, I have, by mistake, taken some of my own pills. ”