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From The Wit and Humor of America, edited by Marshall P. Wilder, Volume IV, New York and London: Funk and Wagnalls and Company, 1911; pp. 740-741.


740

CHEER FOR THE CONSUMER

BY NIXON WATERMAN

I’m only a consumer, and it really doesn’t matter
If you crowd me in the street cars till I couldn’t well be
          flatter;
I’m only a consumer, and the strikers may go striking,
For it’s mine to end my living if it isn’t to my liking.
I am a sort of parasite without a special mission
Except to pay the damages — mine is a queer position:
The Fates unite to squeeze me till I couldn’t well be flatter,
For I’m only a consumer, and it really doesn’t matter.


The baker tilts the price of bread upon the vaguest rumor
Of damage to the wheat crop, but I’m only a consumer,
So it really doesn’t matter, for there’s no law that com-
          pells me
To pay the added charges on the loaf of bread he sells me.
The iceman leaves a smaller piece when days are growing
          hotter,
But I’m only a consumer, and I do not need iced water:
My business is to pay the bills and keep in a good humor,
And it really doesn’t matter, for I’m only a consumer.


The milkman waters milk for me; there’s garlic in my
          butter,
But I’m only a consumer, and it does no good to mutter;
I know that coal is going up and beef is getting higher,
But I’m only a consumer, and I have no need of fire;
741 While beefsteak is a luxury that wealth alone is needing,
I’m only a consumer, and what need have I for feeding?
My business is to pay the bill and keep in a good humor,
And it really doesn’t matter, since I’m only a consumer.


The grocer sells me addled eggs; the tailor sells me
          shoddy,
I’m only a consumer, and I am not anybody.
The cobbler pegs me paper soles, the dairyman short-
          weights me,
I’m only a consumer, and most everybody hates me.
There’s turnip in my pumpkin pie and ashes in my pepper,
The world’s my lazaretto, and I’m nothing but a leper;
So lay me in my lonely grave and tread the turf down
          flatter.
I’m only a consumer, and it really doesn’t matter.











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