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From Humorous Hits and How to Hold an Audience, edited by Grenville Kleiser; Funk & Wagnalls; New York and London, 1912; pp. 167-168.
THE POOR WAS MAD
A FAIRY SHTORY FOR LITTLE CHILDHER
BY CHARLES BATTELL LOOMIS
Wance upon a toime the poor was virry poor indade, an’ so they wint to a rich leddy that was that rich she had goold fingernails, an’ was that beautiful that it’u’d mek you dopey to luke at her. An’ the poor asht her would she give thim the parin’s of her goold finger-nails fer to sell. An’ she said she would that, an’ that ivery Chuesdeh she did be afther a-parin’ her nails. So of a Chuesdeh the poor kem an’ they tuke the gold parin’s to a jewel-ery man, an’ he gev thim good money fer thim. Wasn’t she the koind leddy, childher? Well, wan day she forgot to pare her nails, an’ so they had nothin’ to sell. An’ the poor was mad, an’ they wint an’ kilt the leddy intoirely. An’ when she was kilt, sorra bit would the nails grow upon her, an’ they saw they was silly to kill her. So they wint out to sairch for a leddy wid silver finger-nails. An’ they found her, an’ she was that beautiful that her face was all the colors of the rainbow an’ two more besides. An’ the poor asht her would she give thim the parin’s of her finger-nails fer to sell. An’ she said that she would that, an’ that every Chuesdeh she did be afther a-parin’ her nils. So of a Chuesdeh the poor kem an’ they tuk the silver parin’s to the jewel-ery man, an’ he giv thim pretty good money fer thim, but not nair as good as fer the goold. But he was the cute jewel-ery man, wasn’t he, childher? Well, wan day she forgot to pare her nails an’ so they had nothin’ to sell. An’ the poor was mad, an’ they wint an’ kilt the leddy intoirely. An’ when she was kilt, sorra bit would the nails grow upon her, an’ they saw they was silly to kill her. So they wint out to sairch for a leddy with tin finger-nails. An’ they found her, and she was that beautiful that she would mek you ristless. An’ the poor asht her would she give thim the parin’s of her tin finger-nails fer to sell. An’ she said she would that, an’ that ivery Chuesdeh she did be afther a-parin’ 168 her nails. So of a Cheusdeh the poor kem. An’ did they get the tin nails, childher? Sure, that’s where ye are out. They did not, fer the leddy had lost a finger in a mowin’-machine, an’ she didn’t have tin finger-nails at arl, at arl — only noine.
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