From Joe Miller’s Jest Book, which is a pirated but exact version of The Jest Book, selected and arranged by Mark Lemon, except for some Americanized spellings; New York : Hurst & Co., no date; pp. 86-107.
( Jests 400-499. )
OF this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the “Register Office,” Mr. Nicholls, in his “Literary Anecdotes,” gives some curious particulars. He also relates an anecdote of Johnson concerning it : “It happened that I was in Bolt Court on the day that Henderson, the justly celebrated actor, was first introduced to Dr. Johnson : and the conversation turning on dramatic subjects, Henderson asked the doctor’s opinion of “Dido” and its author. “Sir,” said Johnson, “I never did the man an injury, yet he would read his tragedy to me.”
87A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with the gentleman’s glass. “That’s cool !” exclaimed the owner of the wine, indignantly. “Yes,” replied the other; “I should think there was ice in it.”
DURING a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metropolitan theatres, an old gentleman from the country, who was visibly affected by the pathos of some of the scenes, electrified the house by roaring out, “Mr. Manager ! Sir ! After the play ! I did n’t pay my money to be made wretched in this way. Give us something funny, or I ’ll summons you, sir !”
AN old sea captain used to say he did n’t care how he dressed when abroad, “because nobody knew him.” And he did n’t care how he dressed when at home, “because everybody knew him.”
ERSKINE was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. “Gentlemen,” said Erskine, in reply, “the plaintiff’s counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties with my client’s good name, representing him as litigious and unjust. So far, however, from this being his character, he goes by the name of Bolt upright.”
ON one occasion the Duke’s deafness was alluded to by Lady A——, who asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had been benefited by the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold 88 enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, “I tell you what, I won’t say a word about it.”
IF a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.
( To those in want of employment. )
WHOE’ER will at the “Gloucester’s head” apply,
Is always sure to find a vacancy.
A HUGE, double-sheeted copy of the Times newspaper was put into the hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. “Oh, what a bore all this is,” said the member, surveying the gigantic journal. “Ah,” answered another member, who overheard him, “it is all very well for you who are occupied all day with business bore; but to a man living in the country, — it is equal to a day’s fishing.”
DR. PARR had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, “Pretty well, madam, considering that I have three adversaries.”
( On the Depth of Lord ——’s Arguments. )
YES, in debate we must admit,
His argument is quite profound ;
His reasoning’s deep, for deuce a bit
Can anybody see the ground.
THEODORE HOOK, being in company, where he said something humorous in rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of Taxes, being announced, made the following Impromptu : —
Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes,
I advise you to give him whatever he axes ;
I advise you to give it without any flummery,
For though his name’s Winter, his actions are summary.”
( On the immortality of ——’s speeches. )
THY speeches are immortal, O my friend,
For he that hears them — hears them to no end.
A WITCH, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired him to give her some drink. “No, mother,” said he, “it would do you wrong, for the drier you are, the better you will burn.”
LORD BYRON, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, “Lady —— has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that she is dangerously well again.”
( On Lord E—nb——h’s pericranium. )
LET none because if its abundant locks,
Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute,
That dandy E—nb——h’s “knowledge-box”
Has anything worth larceny within it.”
A CALIFORNIAN gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to procure for him a library of books. The 90 friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded : “I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr. Shakespeare. If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more, be sure and send me their new works.”
JEMMY GORDON, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named Pilgrim, who was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes, exclaimed, “You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do; you have put a stop to Pilgrim’s Progress ! ”
LIFE is a lottery where we find
That fortune plays full many a prank;
And when poor —— got his mind,
’T was fortune made him draw a blank.
ONE drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by the landlord, if it was not well hopped. “Yes,” answered he, “if it had hopped a little farther, it would have hopped into the water.”
A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned ! “How — how — how?” we hear everybody asking. He never run in debt.
“CRACKED China mended !” Zounds, man, off this minute ! There’s work for you, or else the deuce is in it !
CHARLES LAMB sitting next some chattering woman at 91 dinner, observing he did n’t attend to her, “You don’t seem,” said the lady, “to be at all the better for what I am saying to you !” — “No, ma’am,” he answered, “but this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at one ear and went out at the other ! ”
ON the birth of a friend’s son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir David, whose studies of human nature extended to everything, but infant human nature, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of puppies and kittens; for, after looking intently into the child’s eyes, as it was held up for his inspection, he exclaimed to the father, with serious astonishment and satisfaction, “He sees ! ”
AT a tavern one night,
Messrs. More, Strange and Wright
Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange :
Says More, “Of us three,
The whole town will agree,
There is only one knave, and that’s Strange.”
“Yes,” says Strange (rather sore),
“I’m sure there’s one More,
A most terrible knave and a bite,
Who cheated his mother,
His sister and brother,” —
“O yes,” replied More, “that is Wright.”
A MAN was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner for being an attorney. “Come, come,” said his lordship, “don’t exaggerate matters; if the fellow had been an attorney, he would have stolen the bowl as well as the ladle.”
92THE manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F. G. Cooke was playing Macbeth, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-glass, saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, “Take that, Mr. Cooke; take that, sir; it is the real mountain dew; that will never hurt you, sir !” — “Not if it was vitriol ! ” was the rejoinder.
THE following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven dishes for sevenpence !) had its rise in an invitation which a young lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day. To unite taste and economy is no easy thing; but to show her lover she had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner : —
£ s. d.
At top, fish, two herrings0 0 1
Middle, one ounce and a half of butter, melted0 0 0¾
Bottom, a mutton chop, divided 0 0 2
On one side, one pound of small potatoes0 0 0½
On the other side, pickled cabbage0 0 0½
First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs0 0 1½
Mutton removed, French-roll boiled for a pudding0 0 0½
Parsley for garnish0 0 0¼
—Seven dishes for sevenpence !
OF a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he said, “That girl has no more head than a periwinkle.”
TOM bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way 93 of a label, wrote his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied it to the handle. A friend coming along, and observing the jug, quietly remarked : “That’s an awful careless way to leave that liquor!” — “Why?” said Tom. “Because somebody might come along with the eight of clubs and take it !”
A GENTLEMAN, playing piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. “Ah ! sir,” said he, “I beg your pardon, but I really took it for my own.”
ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if classed by moral distinctions.
GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had been enveloped in silk, no spark of patriotism had reached his heart.
EVERY Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to be plucked at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T. Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram : —
“ I have heard they plucked geese upon Shelford Fen,
But never till now knew that Shelford plucked men. ”
ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at 94 Putney, enjoying a glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.
“Yes,” said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his wineglass, “that ’s the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so good in it.”
FOOTE, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his lordship to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much more ease to himself. “How ?” asked his lordship. “How ?” replied, the wit, “why you should have given him a dinner like this, and poisoned him.”
“TOM,” said a colonel to one of his men, “how can so good and brave a soldier as you get drunk so often ?” — “Colonel,” replied he, “how can you expect all the virtues that adorn the human character for sixpence-a-day ?”
A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, “Now, my friend, “I have bought your horse, what are his faults ?” — “I know of no faults that he has, except two,” replied the man; “and one is, that he is hard to catch.” — “Oh ! never mind that,” said the buyer, “I will contrive to catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other ?” — “Ah, sir ! that is the worst.” answered the fellow; “he is good for nothing when you have caught him.”
A MAN said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late storm was, because there was a heavy mortgage on it.
95MATHEW’S attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On discovering the error, his friend exclaimed, “Good heavens ! Mathews, I have given you ink.” — “Never — never mind, my boy — never mind,” said Mathews, faintly, “I’ll swallow a bit — of blotting paper.”
AN old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, “The font is at the other end of the church.” — “What do I want with the font ?” said the old gentleman. — “Oh ! I beg your pardon,” said the clerical with, “I thought you had brought this child to be christened.”
NED SHUTER thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned : — “A hole,” said he, “may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but a darn is premeditated poverty.
A CELEBRATED quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that he came there for their good, and not for want. And then addressing his Merry Andrew, “Andrew,” said he, “do we come here for want ?” — “No faith, sir,” replied Andrew, “we have enough of that at home.”
DRYDEN’S description of wit is excellent. He says : —
A thousand different shapes wit wears,
Comely in thousand shapes appears ;
’T is not a tale, ’t is not a jest,
Admired with laughter at a feast ;
Nor florid talk, which can this title gain, —
The proofs of wit for ever must remain.”
SIR FRANCIS BLAKE DELAVAL’S death had such an effect on Foote that he burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days; the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him, with swollen eyes, what time would the burial be ? “Not till next week, sir,” replied the other, “as I hear the surgeons are first to dissect his head.” This last word restored Foote’s fancy, and, repeating it with some surprise, he asked, “And what will they get there ? I am sure I have known poor Frank these five-and-twenty years, and I never could find anything in it.”
“WE don’t sell spirits,” said a law-evading beer-seller; “we will give you a glass; and then, if you want a biscuit, we ’ll sell it to you for three ha’pence.” The “good creature” was handed down, a stiff glass swallowed, and the landlord handed his customer a biscuit. “Well, no, I think not,” said the customer; “you sell ’em too dear. I can get lots of ’em five or six for a penny anywhere else.”
AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him he could plainly see a rogue in his face. “I never knew till now,” said the witness, “that my face was a looking-glass.
AN artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a foolish scrape about the antiquity of family with another artist, who gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable time. “Forfeit ! Forfeit !” said Foote, “why, surely you have the best of the argument; your family is not only several thousand years old, but at the same time the most numerous of any on the face of the globe, on the authority of Shakespeare : —
“All the souls that are, were Forfeit once.”
97DIED from fatigue, three laundresses together all,
Verdict, — had tried to wash a shirt marked Wetherall.*
* Sir Charles Wetherall was noted for want of cleanliness.
A FRIEND was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady to whom he was engaged. “Ure seems to have turned out to be a base ’un,” said Jerrold.
A PROFESSOR of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which was principally composed of colliers. After “astonishing the natives” with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. “An’ is that my bawbee ?” exclaimed the collier. “Undoubtedly,” answered the juggler. “Let’s see ’t,” said the collier; and turning it round and round with an ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it into his pocket, said, “I ’se war’nt ye ’ll no turn’t into a bawbee again.”
THE Baron de Béranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor of being singled out for such an attempt. “Why, sir,” said the fellow, “your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a flat.”
WHEN it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in 98 the neighborhood of the inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place, said he did not know him. “Not know him !” exclaimed Thurlow, with his usual oaths; “go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman like the knave of clubs, tell him he is particularly wanted.” The waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.
DELIA is twenty-two, and yet so weak,
Poor thing, she’s learning still to walk and speak.
SOME people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.
“Yes,” said Jerrold, “his friendships are so warm that he no sooner takes them up than he puts them down again.”
A LAUGHABLE blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in the season of 1823, in the part of Miss Stirling, in “The Clandestine Marriage.” When speaking of the conduct of Betty, who had locked the door of Miss Fanny’s room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said, “She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket.” Mrs. Davenport, as Mrs. Heidelberg, had previously excited a hearty laugh, by substituting for the original dialogue, “I protest there’s a candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand ;” but the mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated, that the effect was irresistible; and the audience celebrated the joke with three rounds of applause.
“I AM the only man in Europe, sir,” said the Colonel, 99 “that ever had a broken head, — to live after it. I was hunting near my place in Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders like a pair of epaulettes. That was a broken head, if you please, sir.”
TWO pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their quarters for the night at a Highland hotel in Breadalbane : one of them next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent bed, and asked him how he had slept. “Troth, man,” replied Donald, “nea vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the bugs, for de’il ane of them closed an e’e the hale night !”
BLAYNEY said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each other, but who happened to have no descendants, that “it seemed to be hereditary in their family to have no children.”
COUNSELLOR M——T, after he retired from practice, being one day in company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically observed, “If any man were to claim the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in defending my coat I should too late find that I was deprived of my waistcoat also.”
WHEN the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of fish, but without drink, said : —
“CALL that a kind man,” said an actor, speaking of an absent acquaintance; “a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a farthing ! Call that kindness ?”
“Yes, unremitting kindness,” Jerrold replied.
AT Birmingham, one of Kean’s “benefits” was a total failure. In the last scene of the play (“A New Way to pay Old Debts”), wherein allusion is made to the marriage of a lady, “Take her, sir,” Kean suddenly added, “and the Birmingham audience into the bargain.”
A LEARNED doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public benefit, inasmuch as it kills off all the foolish girls, and leaves the wise only to grow into womanhood.
CONGREVE was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter said to him, “if the fact is not as I have stated, I’ll give you my head.” — “I accept it,” said Congreve; for trifles show respect.”
A RUNAWAY couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five guineas for his services. “How is this ?” said the bridegroom, “the gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a guinea.” — “True,” said the smith, “but he was an Irishman. I have married him six times. He is a good customer, and you I may never see again.”
“I REMEMBER,” says Lord Biden, “Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York, and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, ‘Here are only eleven jurymen 101 in the box, where is the twelfth ?’ — ‘Please you, my lord,’ said one of the eleven, ‘he has gone away about some other business — but he has left his verdict with me ! ’ ”
IN a lecture-room of St. John’s College, Cambridge, a student one morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following passage : —
To which he gave the proper sense, —
but pausing as if he doubted its correctness, — “You are quite right, sir,” observed the lecturer; “go on.”
’T is said that walls have ears ; if this be true,
St. Stephen’s walls the gift must often rue.
JEMMY GORDON, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him, if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. “Excuse me, sir,” replied Jemmy, assuming a contemptuous air, “I would not stand in your shoes for all the world !”
FITSMALL, who drinks with knights and lords,
To steal a share of notoriety,
Will tell you in important words,
He mixes in the best society.
AN old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that “in those old books, 102 Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very indifferent spelling.”
DID you not on going down find a party in your kitchen ?” asked an underbred barrister of a witness. “A tea-party, Mr. —— ?” interposed Judge Maule.
AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said : “It will only cost a few men.” — “Will you make one of the few ?” remarked the general.
WHEN Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract, Gilbert A’Beckett said : “Should any opposition be manifested in the House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the noes (nose ) will have it.”
ONE day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. “I thought so yesterday,” he replied.
A LATE Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several. He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancelor, Lord Thurlow. The duke’s solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, “Please you, my lord, Lord Thurlow’s laid an egg.”
FOUND dead, a rat — no case could sure be harder ;
Verdict —Confined a week in Eldon’s larder.
Died, Sir Charles Wetherall’s laundress, honest Sue ;
Verdict — Ennui — so little work to do.
A MR. JOHN SMITH, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a “fast” talker, gave the following description of the blowing up a steamboat on the Mississippi : “I had landed at Helena for a minute to drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down through the roof of a shoemaker’s shop, and landed on the floor close by the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the ‘man of wax’ demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. “Too high,” replied the clerk; “never paid more than two hundred and fifty dollars in my life, and I’ve done the same thing often.”
“WHY,” said a country clergyman to one of his flock, “do you always sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention to every stranger I invite ?” — “Because, sir,” was the reply, “when you preach I’m sure all ’s right, but I can ’t trust a stranger without keeping a good look-out.”
“UNCLE,” said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him rather sparingly with pocket-money), 104 “is the Queen’s head still on the sovereign ?” — “Of course it is, you stupid lad ! Why do you ask that ?” — “Because it is now such a length of time since I saw one.”
JERRY dying intestate, his relatives claimed,
Whilst his widow most vilely his mem’ry defam’d :
“What !” cries she, “must I suffer because the old knave
Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave ?”
“that’s no wonder,” says one, “for ’t is very well known,
Since he married, poor man, he’d no will of his own.”
TWO young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported was true. “General,” said one of them, “it is; and we should have said much more if our wine had not failed.
QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why, gave this reason : “Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with venison, and go a-Quinning, I should certainly bite; and what a sight should I be dangling in the air !”
SYDNEY SMITH was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations, and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. “Very good soup, this,” said Mr. Smith. “Oui, monsieur, c’est excllente,” was the reply. “Pray, sir, do you believe in a cook ? ” inquired Mr. Smith.
THAT he’s ne’er known to change his mind,
Is surely nothing strange ;
For no one yet could ever find
He ’d any mind to change.
“WHY don’t you take off your hat ?” said Lord F —— to a boy struggling with a calf. “So I will, sir,” replied the lad; “if your lordship will hold my calf, “I ’ll pull off my hat.”
JUDGE MAULE, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, “One of these defendants, Mr. Blanks, is, it seems, a minister of religion — of what religion does not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of Christianity.” Severe.
A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day’s labor, and while at a “denner tea,” as he called it, kept incessantly praising the “haam,” and stating that “Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o’ haam like that as he was,” when the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. “It ’s unco kin’ o’ ye, unco kin’, but I ’ll no pit ye to the trouble; I’ll just tak’ it hame on the horse afore me.” When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. “I think, mistress, a cheese in the ither en’ wad mak’ a gran’ balance.” The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he moved away with his “balance true.”
A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and, addressing himself to the chairman, said, “I give you the health, gentlemen all, of the waiter that called my Lord —— out of the room.”
SAYS Giles, “My wife and I are two,
Yet, faith, I know not why, sir.”
Quoth Jack, “You ’re ten, if I speak true ;
She ’s one and you ’re a cipher.”
WHEN that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to the contest by calling out, in broken English, “I will have none of dese, give me the man wid de dying speech,” meaning Mr. Adams, who was then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.
THE celebrated Quin had this faculty. “What sort of morning it is, John ?” — “Very wet, sir.” — “Any mullet in the market ?” — “No, sir.” — “Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow.” So saying, he composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the ennui of a dull day.
“I SUPPOSE,” said a quack, while felling the pulse of his patient, “that you think me a humbug ?” — “Sir,” replied the sick man, “I perceive that you can discover a man’s thoughts by your touch.”
A CERTAIN learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was advised by the Court not to show temper, but to show cause.
POPE was one evening at Button’s coffee-house, where he and a set of literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the passage. “Oh,” says Pope sarcastically, “by all means; pray let the young gentleman look at it.” Upon which 107 the officer took up the manuscript, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note of interrogation to make the whole intelligible : which was really the case. “And pray, master,” says Pope, with a sneer, “what is a note of interrogation ? ” — “A note of interrogation,” replied the young fellow, with a look of great contempt, “is a little crooked thing that asks questions.”
ONE asked another why learning was always called a republic. “Forsooth,” quoth the other, “because scholars are so poor that they have not a sovereign amongst them.”
AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he objected, he might legally challenge them. “Faith, and so I will,” replied he; “if they do not acquit me I will challenge every man of them.”
WHEN Mr. Naylor’s father married his second wife, Naylor said, “Father, they say you are to be married to-day; are you ?” — “Well,” replied the Bishop, “and what is that to you ?” — “Nay, nothing; only if you had told me, I would have powdered my hair.”
A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his mouth was very sore.
After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd, whom he wounded, “my uncle” (says Walpole) “returned to the House, and was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the cambric bill ; ” which made Swinny say, that “it was a sign he was not ruffled.”