What with wagons and bare tentoes having attained to Middleborough (good Lord see the changing chances of us knights-errant infants) I met with the right honorable Lord Henry Howard, Earl of Surrey, my late master. Jesus, I was persuaded I should not be more glad to see heaven than I was to see him. O, it was a right noble Lord, liberality itself, (if in this iron age there were any such creature as 39 liberality left on the earth) a Prince in content because a Poet without peer.
Destiny never defames herself when she lets an excellent Poet die. If there be any spark of Adamâs Paradized perfection yet embered up in the breasts of mortal men, certainly God has bestowed that, his most perfect image, on Poets. None come so near to God in wit, none more condemn the world, vatis auarus non temere est animus, says Horace, versus amat, hos studet unum, ÎSeldom have you seen any poet possessed with avarice, only verses he loves, nothing else he delights inâ. And as they condemn the world, so, contrarily. by the mechanical world are none more condemned. Despised they are of the world, because they are not of the world. Their thoughts are exalted above the worlds of ignorance and all earthly conceits.
As sweet Angelical choristers they are continually conversant in the heaven of Arts. Heaven itself is but the highest height of knowledge, he that knows himself and all things else, knows the means to be happy. Happy, thrice happy, are they whom God has doubled his spirit upon, and given a double soul unto to be Poets.
My Heroical Master exceeded in this supernatural kind of wit. He entertained no gross earthly spirit of avarice, nor weak womanly spirit of pusillanimity and fear that are imagined to be of the water, but admirable, airy, and fiery spirits, full of freedom, magnanimity and bountihood. Let me not speak any more of his accomplishments, for fear I will spend all my spirits in praising him and leave myself no vigor of wit, or effects of a soul to go forward with my history.
Having thus met him I so much adored, no inter-pleading was there of opposite occasions, but back I must return and bear half stakes with him in the lottery of travel. I was not altogether unwilling to walk along with such a good purse-bearer. Yet, musing, I wondered what changeable humor 40 had so suddenly seduced him from his native soil to seek out needless perils in those parts beyond sea. One night, very boldly, I demanded of him the reason that moved him thereto.
ãAh,ä quoth he, ãmy little page, full little can you perceive how far Metamorphosed I am from myself, since I last saw you. There is a little God called Love, that will not be worshipped by any leaden brains, one that proclaims himself sole King and Emperor of piercing eyes, and chief Sovereign of soft hearts. He it is, that exercising his Empire in my eyes, has exorcised and clean conjured me from my content.
ãYou know stately Geraldine, too stately, I fear, for me to do homage to her statue or shrine. She it is that has come out of Italy to bewitch all the wise men of England. Upon Queen Katherine Dowager she waits, and has a dowry of beauty sufficient to make her wooed of the greatest Kings in Christendom. Her high exalted sunbeams have set the Phoenixâ nest of my breast on fire. And I myself have brought Arabian spiceries of sweet passions and praises, to furnish out the funeral flame of my folly. Those who were condemned to be smothered to death by sinking down into the soft bottom of a high-built bed of Roses, never died so sweet a death as I should die, if her Rose-coloured disdain were my deathes-man.
ãOh, thrice Imperial Hampton Court, Cupidâs enchanted Castle, the place where I first saw the perfect omnipotence of the Almighty expressed in mortality, âtis you alone, that tithing all other men solace in thy pleasant situation, affords me nothing but an excellent begotten sorrow out of the chief treasury of all thy recreations.
ãDear Wilton, understand that it was there, where I first set eye on my more than celestial Geraldine. Seeing her, I admired her, all the whole receptacle of my sight was inhabited with her rare worth. Long suit and incessant 41 protestations got me the grace to be entertained. Never did unloving servant so apprentice-like obey his never-pleased Mistress, as I did her. My life, my wealth, my friends, had all their destiny depending on her command.
ãOnce upon a time I was determined to travel. The fame of Italy, and an especial affection I had for Poetry, my second Mistress, for which Italy was so famous, had wholly ravished me unto it. There was no dehorment from it, but needs thether I would. So coming to my Mistress as she was then walking with other Ladies of estate in paradise at Hampton Court, I most humbly besought her of a favour: that she would give me so much gracious leave to absent myself from her service, to travel a year or two into Italy. She very discreetly answered me: that if my love were so hot as I had often vowed, I did very well to apply the plaster of my absence unto it. For absence, as they say, causes forgetfulness.
ã ÎYet, nevertheless, since it is Italy, my native country, you are so desirous to see, I am the more willing to make my will yours. I pete Italiam, go and seek Italy with Aenænas, but be more true than Aenæas, I hope that kind wit-cherishing climate will work no change in so witty a breast. No Country of mine shall it be any more, if it conspires with you, in any new love against me.
ã ÎOne charge I will give you and let it be rather a request than a charge: When you come to Florence (the fair City from whence I fetched the pride of my birth) by an open challenge defend my beauty against all comers.
ã ÎYou have that honourable carriage in Arms, that it shall be no discredit to me to bequeath all the glory of my beauty to your well-governed Arm. Willingly would I be known where I was born. Willingly would I have you known where fame sits in her chiefest Theater. Farewell, forget me not, continued deserts will eternize me to you, your wishes shall be expired when your travel shall be once ended.â
ãHere did tears step out before words, and intercepted the course of my kindly conceived speech, even as wind is allayed with rain. With heart scalding sighs, I confirmed her parting request, and vowed myself hers, while living heat allowed me to be mine own, Hinc illæ lacrimæ. Here then proceeds the whole cause of my peregrination.ä
Not a little was I delighted with this unexpected story, especially from a mouth out of which nothing was wont to march but stern precepts of gravity and modesty. I swear to you, I thought his company the better by a thousand crowns, because he had discarded those nice terms of chastity and continence. Now, I beseech God to love me so well as I love a plain dealing man. Earth is earth, flesh is flesh, earth will to earth, and flesh to flesh, frail earth, frail flesh, who can keep you from the work of your creation.
Dismissing this fruitless annotation pro et contra, towards Venice we progressed, and took Rotterdam in our way, that was clean out of our way, there we met with aged learningâs chief ornament, that abundant and superingenious clerk Erasmus, as also with merry Sir Thomas Moore our Countryman, who was come purposely over a little before us, to visit the said grave father Erasmus. What talk, what conference we had then, it is here superfluous to rehearse. But this I can assure you, Erasmus in all his speeches seemed so much to dislike the indiscretion of Princes in preferring parasites and fools, that he decreed with himself to swim with the stream, and write a book forthwith in commendation of folly.
Quick-witted Sir Thomas Moore traveled in a clean contrary province, for he saw most commonwealths corrupted by ill custom, and that principalities were nothing but great piracies; which, gotten by violence and murder, were maintained by private undermining and bloodshed, that in the chiefest flourishing kingdoms there was no equal or well-divided weale one with an other, but a manifest conspiracy of rich men against 43 poor men, procuring their own unlawful commodities under the name and interest of the commonwealth. He concluded with himself to lay down a perfect plot of a commonwealth or government, which he would entitle his Utopia.
So left we them to prosecute their discontented studies, and make our next journey to Wittenberg.
At the very point of our entrance into Wittenberg, we were spectators of a very solemn scholastic entertainment of the Duke of Saxony there. Whom, because he was the chief Patron of their University and had taken Lutherâs part in banishing the Mass and all like papal jurisdiction out of their town, they crouched to extremely.
The chief ceremonies of their entertainment were these:
First, the heads of their university (they were great heads of certainty) met him in their hooded hypocrisy and doctorly accoutrements, secondum formam statuti, whereby the orator of the university, whose pickerdevant was very plentifully besprinkled with rose water, a very learned or rather remorseful oration was delivered (for it rained all the while) signifying this much: that it was all by patch and by piecemeal stolen out of Tully, and he must pardon them, though in emptying their phrase books the world emptied his entrails, for they did it not in any ostentation of wit (which God knows they had not) but to show the extraordinary good will they bore the Duke, (to have him stand in the rain till he was wet through) a thousand quemadmodums and quapropters he came over him with, every sentence he concluded with Esse posse videature. Through all the nine worthies he ran with praising and comparing him. Nestorâs years he assured him of, under the broad seal of their supplications, and with that crow-trodden verse in Vergil, Dum iuga montis aper, he packed up his pipes and cried dixi.
That pageant overpassed, there rushed upon him a miserable 44 rabble of junior graduates, that all cried upon him mightily in their gibberish, like a company of beggars, ÎGod save your grace, God save your grace, Jesus preserve your Highness,â though it be but for an hour. Some three half pennyworth of Latin here also had he thrown at his face, but it was choice stuff, I can tell you, as there is a choice even amongst rags gathered up from the dunghill.
At the townâs end, he met with the burghers and dunstical incorporationers of Wittenberg in their distinguished liveries. Their distinguished livery faces I mean, for they were most of them hot-livered drunkards, and had all the coat colours of sanguine, purple, crimson, copper, carnation, that were to be had, in their countenances. Filthy knaves, no cost had they bestowed on the town for his welcome, except they new-painted their houghs and bousing-houses, which commonly are fairer than their churches. And over their gates set the town arms carousing a whole health to the Dukeâs arms, which sounded gulping after this sort, Vanhotten, slotten, irk bloshen glotten gelderslike. What ever the words were, the sense was this, ÎGood drink is a medicine for all disease.â
A bursting-belly inkhorn orator called Vanderhulke, they picked out to present him with an oration. They chose one that had a sulfurous big swollen large face, like a Saracen, eyes like two Kentish oysters, a mouth that opened as wide every time he spoke, as one of those old knit trap-doors, a beard as though it had been made of a birdâs nest plucked in pieces, which consisted of straw, hair, and dirt mixed together. He was appareled in black leather new liquored, and a short gown without any gathering in the back, faced before and behind with a boisterous bear skin, and a red night-cap on his head. To this purport and effect was this broccing double beer oration.
ãRight noble Duke (ideo nobilis quasi no bilis) for you have no bile or choler in your, know that our present incorporation of Wittenberg, by me the tongue man of their thankfulness, a townsman by birth, 45 a free German by nature, an orator by art, and a scrivener by education, in all obedience and chastity, most bountifully bid you welcome to Wittenberg. Welcome, said I, O orificial rhetoric wipe your everlasting mouth, and afford me a more Indian metaphor than that for the brave princely blood of a Saxon. Oratory uncask the bard hutch of your compliments, and with the trimphantest troupe in thy treasury do trewage unto him. What impotent speech with his eight parts may not specific this unestimable gift holding his peace, shall as it were (with tears I speak it) do whereby as it may seem or appear, to manifest or declare, and yet it is, and yet it is not, and yet it may be a diminutive oblation meritorious to your high pusillanimity and indignity. Why should I go gadding and fisgigging after firking flantado amfibologies. Wit is wit, and good will is good will. With all the wit I have, I here according to the premises, offer up unto you the cityâs general good will, which is a gilded Can, in manner and form following, for you and the heirs of your body lawfully begotten, to drink healths in. The scholastical squitter books clout you up canopies and foot-clothes of verses. We that are good fellows, and live as merry as cup and can, will not verse upon you as they do, but must do as we can, and entertain you if it be but with a plain empty Can. He has learning enough, that has learned to drink to his first man.ãGentle Duke, without paradox be it spoken, your horses at our own proper costs and charges shall knead up to the knees all the while you are here in spruce beer and Lubeck liquor. Not a dog you bring with you but shall be banqueted with Rhenish wine and sturgeon. On our shoulders we wear no lamb skin or miniver like these academics, yet we can drink to the confusion of your enemies. Good lambsâ wool have we for their lamb skins, and for their miniver, large minerals in our coffers. Mechanical men they call us, and not amiss, for most of 46 us being Mæchi, that is cuckolds and whoremasters, fetch our antiquity from the temple of Mæcha, where Mahomet was hung up. Three parts of he world: America, Africa, and Asia, are of this our mechanic religion. Nero when he cried O quantus artifex pereo, professed himself of our freedom. Insomuch as Artifex is a citizen or crafts man, as well as Carnifex a scholar or hangman. Pass on by leave into the precincts of our abomination. Bonnie Duke, frolic in our bower, and persuade yourself, that even as garlic has three properties, — to make a man wink, drink, and stink, — so we will wink on thy imperfections, drink to your favourites, and all your foes shall stink before us. So be it. Farewell.ä
The Duke laughed not a little at this ridiculous oration, but that very night as great an ironical occasion was ministered, for he was bidden to one of the chief schools to a Comedy handled by scholars.
Acolastus the prodigal child was the name of it, which was so filthily acted, so leathernly set forth, as would have moved laughter in Heraclitus. One, as if he had been planing a clay floor, stampingly trod the stage so hard with his feet, that I thought that surely he had resolved to do the Carpenter that set it up some utter shame. Another flung his arms like cudgels at a pear tree, insomuch as it was mightily dreaded that he would strike the candles that hung above their heads out of their sockets, and leave them all dark. Another did nothing but wink and make faces. There was a parasite, and he with clapping his hands and thripping his fingers seemed to dance an antic to and fro.
The only thing they did well, was the prodigal childâs hunger, most of their scholarâs being hungrily kept, and surely you would have said they had been brought up in hogâs academy to learn to eat acorns, if you had seen how sedulously they fell to them. Not a jest had they to keep their auditors from sleeping but of swill and draffe. Yes, now and then the servant put his hand into the dish 47 before his master, and almost choked himself, eating slovenly and ravenously to cause sport.
The next day they had solemn disputations, where Luther and Carolostadius scolded level-coil. I know well, that they heaped up a mass of words against the mass and the Pope, but further particulars of their disputations I remember not. I thought verily they would have worried one anther with words, they were so earnest and vehement. Luther had the louder voice, Carolostadius went beyond him in beating and bouncing with his fists. Quæ supra nos nihil ad nos. They uttered nothing to make a man laugh, therefore I leave them.
Oh, but their outwards gestures would now and then afford a man a morsel of mirth. Not so much by those two I mean, as by all the other train of opponents and respondents.
One pecked like a crane with his fore-finger at every half syllable he brought forth, and nodded with his nose like an old singing man, teaching a young chorister to keep time.
Another would be sure to wipe his mouth with his handkerchief at y [every ?] end of every full point, and ever when he thought he had cast a figure so curiously, as he dived over head and ears into his auditorsâ admiration, he would take occasion to stroke up his hair, and twine up his mustachios twice or thrice over, while they might have leisure to applaud him.
A third wavered and waggled his head, like a proud horse playing with his bridle, or as I have seen some fantastical swimmer, at every stroke train his chin side-long over his left shoulder.
A fourth sat and foamed at the mouth, for very anger his adversary had denied that part of the syllogism which he was not prepared to answer.
A fifth spread his arms, like an usher that goes before to make room, and thripped with his finger and his thumb when he thought he had tickled it with a conclusion.
A sixth hung down his countenance like a sheep, and stutted and slavered very pitifully when his invention was stepped aside out of the way.
48A seventh gasped for wind, and groaned in his pronunciation as if he were hard bound with some bad argument.
Gross plodders they were all — that had some learning and reading, but no wit to make use of it.
They imagined the Duke took the greatest pleasure and contentment under heaven to hear them speak Latin, and that as long as they talked nothing but Tully he was bound to attend them.
A most vain thing it is in many universities at this time, that they count him excellently eloquent who steal not whole phrases but whole pages out of Tully. If, out of a number of shreds of his sentences he can shape an oration from all the world he carries it away, although in truth it be no more than a foolâs coat of many colours. No invention or matter have they of their own, but tack up a style of his stale galymafries. The leaden-headed Germans first began this, and we Englishmen have surfeited of their absurd imitation. I pity Nizolius that had nothing to do but pick threads ends out of an old overworn garment.
This is but by the way, we must look back to our disputants.
One amongst the rest, thinking to be more conceited than his fellows, seeing the Duke had a dog he loved well which sat by him on the terrace, converted all his oration to him, and not a hair of his tail but he combed out with comparisons: So to have courted him if he were a bitch had been very suspicious. Another commented and descanted on the Dukeâs staff, new tipping it with many quaint epithets. Some cast his nativity, and promised him he should not die until the day of judgement.
Omitting further superfluities of this stamp, in this general assembly we found intermixed that abundant scholar Cornelius Agrippa. At that time he bore the fame to be the greatest conjurer in Christendom. Scoto that did the juggling tricks before the Queen, never came near him one quarter in magic reputation. The Doctorâs of Wittenberg doting on the rumor that went of him, 49 desired him before the Duke and them to do something extraordinarily memorable.
One requested to see pleasant Plautus, and that he would show them in what habit he went, and with what countenance he looked when he ground corn in the mill. Another had half a monthâs mind to see Ovid and his hook nose. Erasmus, who was not wanting in that honorable meeting, requested to see Tully in that same grace and majesty he pleaded his oration pro Roscio Amerino. Affirming, that until he beheld in person his importunity of pleading, he would in no wise be persuaded that any man could carry away a manifest case with rhetoric so strangely.
To Erasmusâ petition he easily condescended, and willing the doctors at such an hour to hold their convocation, and every one to keep him in his place without moving: at the time prefixed in entered Tullie, ascended his pleading place, and declaimed verbatim the fore-named oration, but with such astonishing amazement, with such fervent exaltation of spirit, with such soul-stirring gestures, that all his auditors were ready to install his guilty client for a God.
Great was the concourse of glory Agrippa drew to him with this one feat. And indeed he was so cloyed with men which came to behold him, that he was willing sooner than he would been otherwise, to return to the Emperorâs court from whence he came, and leave Wittenberg before he had planned. With him we traveled along, having purchased his acquaintance a little before.
By the way, as we went my master and I agreed to change names. It was concluded between us, that I should be the Earl of Surrey, and he my man. Only because in his own person, which he would not have reproached, he meant to take more liberty of behaviour: as for my carriage, he knew he was to tune it at a key, either high or low, as he wished.
To the Emperorâs court we came, where our entertainment was every way plentiful. Carouses we had in whole gallons instead of quart pots. Not a health was given us 50 but contained well near a hogshead. The customs of the country we were eager to be instructed in, but we could learn nothing but this: that always at the Emperorâs coronation, there is an ox roasted with a stag in the belly, and that stag in his belly has a kid, and that kid is stuffed full of birds.
Some courtiers to weary out time, would tell us further tales of Cornelius Agrippa. And how when sir Thomas More, our countryman, was there, he showed him the whole destruction of Troy in a dream. How the Lord Cromwell being the kingâs Ambassador there, in like case in a perspective glass he set before his eyes king Henry the eight, with all his Lords on hunting in his forest at Windsor, and when he came into his study, and was very urgent to be partaker of some rare experiment, that he might report when he came into England, he willed him amongst two thousand great books to take down which he wished, and begin to read one line in any place, and without book he would rehearse twenty leaves following. Cromwell did so, and in many bookâs tried him, when in every thing he exceeded his promise and conquered his expectation. To Charles the fifth, then Emperor, they reported how he showed the nine worthies, David, Solomon, Gideon, and the rest in the similitude and likeness that they lived upon earth.
My master and I having by the highway side gotten some reasonable familiarity with him, upon this access of miracles imputed to him, resolved to request him something in our own behalfs.
I, because I was his suborned Lord and master, desired him to see the lively image of Geraldine, his love in the glass, and what at that instant she did, and with whom she was talking. He showed her to us without any more ado, sick weeping on her bed, and resolved all into devout religion for the absence of her Lord. At the sight thereof he could in no wise refrain, though he had taken upon him the condition of a servant, but he must forthwith frame this extemporal ditty.
51Though the Emperorâs court and the extraordinary edifying company of Cornelius Agrippa might have been arguments of weight to have arrested us a little longer there, yet Italy still stuck as a great mote in my masters eye, he thought he had traveled no farther than Wales, till he had took survey of that country which was such a curious molder of wits.
To cut off blind ambages [ambushes?] by the highway side, we made a long stride and got to Venice in short time, where having 52 scarce looked about us, a precious supernatural pandor appareled in all points like a gentleman, and having half a dozen several languages in his purse, entertained us in our own tongue very paraphrastically and eloquently, and maugre all other pretended acquaintance, would have us in a violent kind of courtesy to be the guests of his appointment. His name was Petro de campo Frego, a notable practitioner in the policy of baudrie (bawdry). The place whether he brought us was a pernicious courtezanâs house named Tabitha the Temptresses, a wench that could set as civil a face on it as chastityâs first martyr Lucretia. What will you conceit to be in any saintâs house that was there to seek? Books, pictures, beads, crucifixes, why there as a haberdasherâs shop of them in every chamber. I warrant you should not see one set of her neckercher [neckerchief ?] perverted or turned awry, not a piece of hair displaced. On her beds there was not a wrinkle of any wallowing to be found, her pillowâs bore out a smooth as a groaning wifeâs belly, and yet she was a Turk and an infidel, and had more doings than all her neighbourâs besides. Us, for our money, they used like Emperorâs. I was master as you heard before, and my master the Earl was but as my chief man whom I made my companion. So it happened (as iniquity will out at one time or other) that she perceiving my expense had no more vents, then it should have, fell in with my supposed servant, my man, and gave him half a promise of marriage, if he would help to make me away, that she and he might enjoy the jewels and wealth that I had.
The indifficulty of the condition thus she explained unto him, her house stood upon vaults, which in two hundred years together were never searched, who came into her house none took notice of, his fellow servants that knew of his masterâs abode there, should be all dispatched by him as from his master, into sundry parts of the city about business, and when they returned, answer should be made 53 that he lay not there any more, but had removed to Padua since their departure, and there they must follow him.
ãNow,ä quoth she, ãif you be disposed to make him away in their absence, you shall have my house at command. Stab, poison or shoot him through with a pistol all is one, into the vault he shall be thrown when the deed is done.ä
On my bare honesty it was a crafty queen, for she had enacted with herself if he had been my legitimate servant, as he was one that served and supplied my necessities, when he had murdered me, to have accused him of the murder, and made all that I had hers (as I carried all my masterâs wealth, money, jewels, rings, or bills of exchange, continually about me.) He very subtlely consented to her stratagem at the first motion, kill me he would, that heavens could not withstand, and a pistol was the predestinate engine which must deliver the parting blow. God knows I was a raw young squire, and my master dealt judasly with me, for he told me but every thing that she and he agreed of. Wherefore I could not possibly prevent it, but as a man would say avoid it. The execution day aspired to his utmost devolution, into my chamber came my honorable attendant with his pistol charged by his side very suspiciously and sullenly, lady Tabitha and Petro de campo Frego her pandor followed him at the hard heels.
At their entrance I saluted them all very familiarly and merrily, and began to impart unto them what disquiet dreams had disturbed me the last night. I dreamt, quoth I, that my man Brunquell here (for no better name got he of me) came into my chamber with a pistol charged under his arm to kill me, and that he was suborned by you mistress Tabitha, and my very good friend Pedro de campo Frego, God send it turn to good, for it has affrighted me above measure. As they were ready to enter into a colorful common place of the deceitful frivolousness of dreams, my trusty servant Brunquel stood quivering and quaking 54 every joint of him, and as it was before compacted between us, let his pistol drop from him on the sudden, wherewith I started out of my bed, and drew my rapier, and cried murder, murder, which made good wife Tabitha ready to bepis her.
My servant, or my master, which you will, I took roughly by the collar, and threatened to run him through incontinent if he confessed not the truth. He as it were stricken with remorse of conscience, (God be with him, for he could counterfeit most daintily) down on his knees, asked me forgiveness, and impeached Tabitha and Petro de campo Frego as guilty of subornation. I very mildly and gravely, gave him audience. Rail on them I did not after his tale was ended, but said I would try what the law could do. Conspiracy, by the custom of their country, was a capital offence, and what custom or justice might afford, they should be all sure to feel. I could, quoth I, acquit myself otherwise, but it is not for a stranger to be his own carver in revenge.
Not a word more with Tabitha, but die she would, before God or the devil would have her. She swooned and revived, and then swooned again, and after she revived again, sighed heavily, spoke faintly and pitifully. Yea, and so pitifully, as if a man had not known the pranks of harlots before, he would have melted into commiseration.
Tears, sighs, and doleful tuned words could not make any forcible claim to my stony ears, it was the glittering crowns that I hungered and thirsted after, and with them for all her mock holy day gestures she was fain to come off, before I condescended to any bargain of silence. So it fortuned (fie upon the unfortunate word of Fortune) that this whore, this queen, this courtezan, this common of ten thousand, so bribing me not to betray her, had given me a great deal of counterfeit gold, which she had received from a coiner to make away a little before.
Amongst the gross sum of my bribery, I, silly milksop, mistrusting no deceit, under an angel of 55 light took what she gave me, nor turned it over. For which (O falsehood in fair show) my master and I had like to have been turned over. He that is a knight-errant, exercised in the affairs of Ladies and Gentlewomen, has more places to send money to than the devil has to send his spirits to.
There was a delicate wench named Flavia Aemilia lodging in Saint Markâs street at a goldsmiths, which I would fain have had to the grand test, to try whether she were cunning in Alchemy or no. Aie me, she was but a counterfeit slip, for she not only gave me the slip, but had well nigh made me a slipstring. To her I sent my gold, to beg an hour of grace.
Ah, graceless fornicators, my hostess and she were confederates, who having got one piece of my ill gold in their hands, devised the means to make me immortal. I could drink for anger till my head ached, to think how I was abused.
Shall I shame the devil and speak the truth?
To prison I was sent as principal, and my master as accessory. Nor was it to a prison either, but the master of the mintâs house, who though partly our judge, and a most severe upright justice in his own nature, extremely seemed to condole our ignorant estate, and without all peradventure a present redress he had ministered, if certain of our countrymen hearing an English Earl was apprehended for coining, had not come to visit us.
An ill planet brought them there, for at the first glance they knew the servant of my secrecies to be the Earl of Surrey, and I (not worthy to be named I) an outcast of his cup or pantofles. Thence, thence sprung the full period of our infelicity. The master of the mint our whilom refresher and consolation, now took part against us, he though we had a mint in our heads of mischievous conspiracies against their state. Heavens bear witness with us it was not so (heavens will not always come to witness when they are called). To a straighter ward were we committed: that which we have imputatively transgressed must be answered.
O 56 the heathen heigh pass, and the intrinsical legerdemaine of our special approved good pandor Petr de Campo Frego. He, although he dipped in the same dish with us every day, seeming to labour our cause very importunately, and had interpreted for us to the state from the beginning, ye was one of those treacherous brother Trulies, and abused us most clerkly. He interpreted to us with a pestilence, for whereas we stood obstinately upon it, we were wrongfully detained, and that it was nothing but a malicious practise of sinful Tabitha our late hostess, he by a fine cunny-catching corrupt translation, made us plainly to confess, and cry Miserere, ere we had need of our neck-verse. Detestable, detestable, that the flesh and the devil should deal by their factors, Iâll stand to it, there is not a pandor but has vowed paganism. The devil himself is not such a devil as he, so be he perform his function aright. He must have the back of an ass, the snout of an elephant, the wit of a fox, and the teeth of a wolf, he must fawn like a spaniel, crouch like a Jew, leer like a sheepbiter. If he be half a puritan, and have scripture continually in his mouth, he speeds the better. I can tell you it is a trade of great promotion, and let none every think to mount by service in foreign courts, or creep near to some magnifique Lords, if they be not seen in this science. O, it is the art of arts, and ten thousand times goes beyond the intelligencer. None but a staid grave civil man is capable of it, he must have exquisite courtship in him or else he is not old who, he wants the best point in his tables. God be merciful to our pandor (and that were for God to work a miracle) he was seen in all the seven liberal deadly sciences, not a sin but he was as absolute in as Satan himself. Satan could never have supplanted us so as he did. I may say to you, he planted in us the first Italainate wit that we had. During the time we lauy close and took physick in this castle of contemplation, there was a magnificoâs wife of good calling sent to bear us company. Her husbandâs name 57 was Castaldo, she hight Diamante, the cause of her committing, was an ungrounded jealous suspicion which her doting husband had conceived of her chastity. One Isaac Medicus a Bergomask was the man he chose to make him a monster, who being a courtier, and repairing to his house very often, neither for love of him nor his wife, but only with a drift to borrow money of a pawn of wax and parchment, when he saw his expectation deluded, and that Castaldo was too chary for him to close with, he privily with purpose of revenge, gave out amongst his copesmates, that he resorted to Castaldoâs house for no other end but to cuckold him, and doubtfully he talked that he had and he had not obtained his suit. Rings which he borrowed of a light courtezan that he used to, he would fain to be taken from her fingers, and in sum, so handled the matter, that Castaldo exclaimed, ÎOut, whore, strumpet, six penny hackster, away her to prison.â
As glad were we almost as if the had given us liberty, that fortune lent us such a sweet pew-fellow. A pretty round-faced wench was it, with black eyebrows, a high forehead, a little mouth, and a sharp nose, as fat and plump every part of her as a plover, a skin as silky and soft as the back of a swan, it does me good when I remember her. Like a bird she tripped on the ground, and bore out her belly as majestical as an Ostrich. With a licorous rolling eye fixed piercing on the earth, and sometimes scornfully darted on the tone side, she figured forth a high discontented disdain, much like a prince puffing and storming at the treason of some mighty subject fled lately out of his power. Her very countenance repiningly wrathful, and yet clear and unwrinkled, would have confirmed the clearness of her conscience to the austerest judge in the world. If in anything she were culpable, it was in being too melancholy chaste, and showing her self as covetous of her beauty as her husband was of his bags. Many are honest, because 58 they know not how to be dishonest. She thought there was no pleasure in stolen bread, because there as no pleasure in an old manâs bed. It is almost impossible that any woman should be excellently witty, and not make the utmost penny of her beauty. This age and this country of ours admits of some miraculous exceptions, but former times are my constant informers. Those that have quick motions of iwt, have quick motions in every thing, iron only needs many stroked, only iron wits are not won without a long siege of entreaty. Gold easily bends, the most ingenious minds are easiest moved, Ingenium nobis molle Thalia dedit sayth Psapho to Phao. Who has no merciful mild mistress, I will maintain, has no witty, but a clownish dull, phlegmatic puppy to his mistress.
This magnificoâs wife was a good loving soul, that had metal enough in her to make a good wit of, but being never removed from under her motherâs and her husbandâs wing, it was not molded and fashioned as it ought. Causeless distrust is able to drive deceit into t simple womanâs head. I dare pawn the credit of a page, which is worth ameâs ace at all times, that she was immaculate honest till she met with us in prison. Mary what temptations she had then, when fire and flax were put together, conceit with yourselves, but hold my master excusable. Alack he was too virtuous to make her vicious, he stood upon religion and conscience, what a heinous thing it was to subvert Godâs ordinance. This was all the injury he would offer her, sometimes he would imagine her in a melancholy humor to be his Geraldine, and court her in terms correspondent. Nay, he would swear she was his Geraldine, and take her white hand and wipe his eyes with it, as though the ery touch of her might staunch his anguish. Now would he kneel and kiss the ground as holy ground which she vouchsafed to bless from barrenness by her steps. Who would have learned to write an excellent passion, might have been 59 a perfect tragic poet, had he but attended half the extremity of his lament. Passion upon passion would throng one on anotherâs neck, he would praise her beyond the moon and stars, and that so sweetly and ravishingly, as I persuade myself he was more in love with his own curious forming fancy than her face, and truth it is, many become passionate lovers, only to win praise to their wits.
He praised, he prayed, he desired and besought her to pity him that perished for her. From this his entranced mistaking ecstasy could no man remove him. Who loves resolutely, will include everything under the name of his love. From prose he would leap into verse, and with these or such like rhymes assault her.
Sadly and verily, if my master said true, I should, if I were a wench, make many men quickly immortal. What is it, what is it for a maid fair and fresh to spend a little lip-salve on a hungry lover? My master beat the bush and kept a coil and a prattling, but I caught the bird, simplicity and plainness shall carry it away in another world. 60 God wot he was Pero Desperato, when I stepping to her with a dunstable tale made up to my market. A holy requiem to their souls that think to woo a woman with riddles. I had some cunning plot you must suppose, to bring this about. Her husband had abused her, and it was very necessary she should be revenged. Seldom do they prove patient martyrs who are punished unjustly, one way or other they will cry quittance whatsoever it cost them. No other apt means had this poor she captived Cicely, to work her hoddie peake husband a proportionable plague for his jealousy, but to give his head his full loading of infamy. She thought she would make him complain for something, that now was so hard bound with an heretical opinion. How I dealt with her, guess gentle reader, subaudi that I wasn in prison, and she my silly Jailor.
Means there was made after a monthâs or two durance by M. John Russell, a Gentleman of king Henry the eightâs chamber, who then lay lieger at Venice for England, that our cause should be favorably heard. at that time was Monsieur Petro Aretino searcher and chief Inquisitor to the college of courtezans. Diverse and sundry ways was this Aretine beholding to the king of England, especially for by this aforesaid master John Russell, a little before he had sent him a pension of four hundred crowns yearly during his life. Very forcibly was he dealt withal, to strain the utmost of his credit for our delivery out of prison. Nothing at his hands we sought, but that the courtezan might be more narrowly sifted and examined. Such and so extraordinary was his care and industry herein, that, within few days after mistress Tabitha and her pandor cried Peccaui confiteor, and we were presently discharged, they for exampleâs sake executed. Most honorably after our enlargement of the state were we used, and had sufficient recompense for all our troubles and wrongs.
Before I go any further, let me speak a word or two of 61 this Aretine. It was one of the wittiest knaves that ever God made. If out of so base a thing as ink, there may be extracted a spirit, he wrote with nothing but the spirit of ink, and his style was the spirituality of arts, and nothing else, whereas all others of his age were but the lay temporality of inkhorn terms. For indeed they were mere temporizers and no better. His pen was sharp pointed like a poignard, no leaf he wrote on, but was like a burning glass to set on fire all his readers. With more than musket shot did he charge his quill, where he meant to inveigh. No hour but he sent a whole legion of devils into some herd of swine or other. If Marial had ten Muses (as he says of himself) when he but tasted a cup of wine, he had ten score when he was determined to tyrannize, nary a line of his but was able to make a man drunken with admiration. His sight pierced like lightning into the entrails of all abuses.
This I must needs say, that most of his learning he got by hearing the lectures of Florence. It is sufficient that learning he had, and a conceit exceeding all learning, to quintessence every thing which he heard. He was no timorous servile flatterer of the commonwealth wherein he lived, his tongue and his intention were foreborne, what they thought they would confidently utter. Princes he spared not, that in the least point transgressed. His life he condemned in comparison of the liberty of speech. Whereas some dull brain maligners of his, accuse him of that Treatise de tribus impostoribus Mundi, which was never contrived without a general counsel of devils, I am verily persuaded it was none of his, and of my mind are a number of the most judicial Italians. One reason is this, because it was published forty years after his death, and he never in his lifetime wrote any thing in Latin. Certainly I have heard that one of Machiavelliâs followers and disciples was the author of that book, who to avoid dicredit, filched it 62 forth under Aretineâs name, a great while after he had sealed up his eloquent spirit in the grave. Too much gall did that wormwood of Ghibelline wits put in his ink, who engraved that rue-barbed Epitaph on this excellent poetâs tombstone. Quite forsaken of all good Angels was he, and utterly given over to artless envy. Four universities honoured Aretine with these rich titles, Il flagello de principi, Il veritiero, Il devino, & Lâunico Aretino. The French king Frances the first he kept in such awe, that to chain his tongue he sent him a huge chain of gold, in the form of tongues fashioned. Singularly has he commented of the humanity of Christ. Besides, as Moses set forth his Genesis, so has he set forth his Genesis also, including the contents of the whole Bible. A notable Treatise has he compiled called, Il sette Psalmi pœnetentiarii. All the Thomasos have cause to love him, because he has dilated so magnificently of the life of Saint Thomas. There is a good thing that he has set forth La vita della virgine Maria, though it somewhat smells of superstition, with a number more, which here for tediousness I suppress. If lascivious he were, he may answer with Ovid, Vita verecund est, musa iocosa mea est, My life is chaste enough though wanton be my verse. Tell me who is traveled in histories, what good poet is, or ever was there, who has not had a little spice of wantonness in his days? Even Beza himself, by your leave.
Aretine, as long as the world lives shall you live. Tully, Virgil, Ovid, Seneca were never such ornaments to Italy as you have been. I never thought of Italy more religiously than England till I heard of you. Peace to your Ghost, and yet methinks so indefinite a spirit should have no peace or intermission of pains, but be penning ditties to the archangels in another world.
Puritans, spew forth the venom of your dull inventions. A toad swells with thick troubled poison, you swell with poisonous perturbations, 63 your malice has not a clear dram of any inspired disposition.
My principal subject plucks me by the elbow, Diamante Castaldos your magnificoâs wife, after my enlargement proved to be with child, at which instant there grew an insatiable famine in Venice, wherein, whether it were for mere niggardise, or that Castaldo still ate out his heart with jealousy, Saint Anne be our record, he turned up the heels very devoutly. To master Aretine after this, once more very dutifully I appealed, requested him of favour, acknowledged former gratuities, he made no more humming or halting, but in despite of her husbandâs kinsfolks, gave her her Nunc dimittis, and so established her free of my company.
Being out, and fully possessed of her husbandâs goods, she invested me in the state of a monarch. Because the time of childbirth drew nigh, and she could not remain in Venice but discredited, she decreed to travel whether so ever I would conduct her. To see Italy throughout was my proposed scope, and that way if she would travel, have with her, I had wherewithal to relieve her.
From my master, by her full-hand provokement, I parted without leave, the state of an Earl he had thrust upon me before, and now I would not bate him an ace of it. Through all the cities passed I by no other name but the young Earl of Surrey, my pomp, my apparel, train, and expense, was nothing inferior to his, my looks were as lofty, my words as magnificent.
Memorandum, that Florence being the principal scope of my masterâs course, missing me he journeyed there without interruption. By the way, as he went he heard of another Earl of Surrey besides himself, which caused him to make more haste to fetch me in, whom he little dreamed of has such art in my budget, to separate the shadow from the body. Overtake me at Florence he did, where sitting in my pontificalibus with my courtezan at supper, like Anthony and Cleopatra, when they 64 quaffed standing bowls of Wine spiced with pearl together, he stole in ere we sent for him, and bade much good it us, and asked us whether we wanted any guests. If he had asked me whether I would have hanged myself, his question had been more acceptable. He that had then ungartered me, might have plucked out my heart at my heels.
My soul which was made to soar upward, now sought for passage downward, my blood as the blushing Sabine maids surprised on the sudden by the soldiers of Romulus, ran to the nobles of blood amongst them for succour, that were in no less (if not greater danger) so did it run for refuge to the noblest of his blood about my hart assembled, that stood in more need itself of comfort and refuge. A trembling earthquake, or shaking fever assailed either of us, and I think unfeignedly. If he, seeing our faint heart agony, had not soon cheered and refreshed us, the dogs had gone together by the ears under the table for our fear-dropped limbs.
Instead of menacing or affrighting me with his sword or his frowns for my superlative presumption, he burst out into laughter above Ela, to think how bravely napping he had took us, and how notably we were damped and struck dead in the nest with the unexpected view of his presence.
ãAh,ä quoth he, ãmy noble Lord (after his tongue had borrowed a little leave of his laughter) is it my luck to visit you thus unlooked-for. I am sure you will bid me welcome, if it be but for the nameâs sake. It is a wonder to see two English Earls of one house at one time together in Italy.ä
I hearing him so pleasant, began to gather up my spirits, and replied as boldly as I dared, ãSir, you are welcome, your name which I borrowed I have not abused, some large sums of money this my sweet mistress Diamante has made me master of, which I knew not how better to employ for the honor of my country, than by spending it munificently under your name. No Englishman 65 would I have renowned for bounty, magnificence and courtesy but you, under your colours all my meritorious works I was desirous to shroud. Deem it no insolence to add ability to support any part of your royalty, undertook the estimation of this high calling, your allegation of injury had been the greater, and my defense less authorized. If will be thought but a policy of yours thus to send one before you, who being a follower of yours, shall keep and uphold the estate and port of an Earl. I have known many Earls myself that in their own persons would go very plain, but delighted to have one that belonged to them (being laden with jewels, appareled in cloth of gold, and all the rich embroidery that might be) to stand bare-headed unto him, arguing thus much, that if the greatest men went not more sumptuous, how more great than the greatest was he that could command one going so sumptuous. A noble manâs glory appears in nothing so much as in the pomp of his attendants. What is the glory of the Sun, but that the Moon and so many millions of stars borrow their lights from him? If you can reprehend me of any one illiberal licentious action I have disparaged your name with, heap shame on me prodigally, I beg no pardon or pity.ä
Non veniunt in idem pudor & amor, he was loath to detract from one that he loved so. Beholding with his eyes that I clipped not the wings of his honour, but rather increased them with additions of expense, he entreated me as if I had been Ambassador, he gave me his hand and swore he had no more hearts but one, and I should have half of it, in that I so enhanced his obscure reputation.
ãOne thing,ä quoth he, ãmy sweet Jack, I will entreat thee (it shall be but one) that though I am well pleased you should be the ape of my birthright, (as what nobleman has not his ape and his fool) yet that you be an ape without a clog, 66 not carry your courtezan with you.ä
I told him that a king could do nothing without his treasury, this courtezan was my purse-bearer, my countenance and supporter. My Earldom I would sooner resign, than part with such a special benefactor. Resign it I will however, since I am thus challenged of stolen goods by the true owner. Los, into my former state I return again. Poor Jack Wilton and your servant am I, as I was at the beginning, and so will I persevere to my lifeâs ending.
That theme was quickly cut off, and other talk entered in place. Of what I have forgot, but talk it was, and talk let it be, and talk it shall be, for I do not mean here to remember it. We supped, we got to bed, rose in the morning, on my master I waited, and the first thing he did after he was up, he went and visited the house where his Geraldine was borne, at sight whereof he was so impassioned that in the open street but for me, he would have made an oration in praise of it. Into it we were conducted, and showed each several rooms thereto appertaining.
O, but when he came to the chamber where his Geraldineâs clear Sunbeams first thrust themselves into this cloud of flesh, and acquainted mortality with the purity of Angels, then did his mouth overflow with magnificats, his tongue thrust the stars out of heaven, and eclipsed the Sun and Moon with comparisons. Geraldine was the soul of heaven, sole daughter and heir to primus motor. The alchemy of his eloquence out of the incomprehensible dross matter of clouds and air, distilled no more quintessence than would make his Geraldine complete faire. [fair, fairy?] In praise of the chamber that was so illuminatively honored with her radiant conception, he penned this sonnet.
67Many other poems and epigrams in that chamberâs patient alabaster enclosure (which her melting eyes long since then had softened) were curiously engraved. Diamonds thought themselves Dii munit, if they might carve her name on the naked glass. With them on it did he anatomize these body-wanting mots, Dulce puella malum est. Quod fugit ipse sequor. Amor est mihi cause sequ&emacron;di. O in&foelig;ix ego. Cur vidi, cur perii. Non patienter amo. Tant&umacron; patiatur amari.
After the view of these loving monuments, he published a proud challenge in the Duke of Florenceâs court against all comers (whether, Christians, Turks, Jews, or Saracens), in defense of his Geraldineâs beauty. More mildly was it accepted, in that she whom he defended, was a town-born child of that city, or else the pride of the Italian would have prevented him ere he should have come to perform it.
The Duke of Florence nevertheless sent for him, and demanded him of his estate, and the reason that drew him thereto, which when he was advertised of to the full, he granted all Countries whatsoever, as well enemies and outlaws, as friends and confederates, free access and regress into his dominions unmolested, until that insolent trial were ended.
68The right honorable and ever renowned Lord Henry Howard, Earl of Surrey, my singular good Lord and maser, entered the lists after this order. His armour was all intermixed with lilies and roses, and the bases thereof bordered with nettles and weeds, signifying stings, crosses, and overgrowing encumbrances in his love, his helmet round proportioned, like a gardenerâs water-pot, from which seemed to issue forth small threads of water, like cittern strings, that not only did moisten the lilies and roses, but did fructify as well the nettles and weeds, and made them overgrow their liege Lords. Whereby he did import thus much, that the tears that issued from his brains, as those artificial distillations issued from the well counterfeit water-pot on his head, watered and gave life as well to his mistressâ disdain (resembled to nettles and weeds) as increase of glory to her care-causing beauty (comprehened under the lilies and roses.) The symbol thereto annexed was this, Ex lacrimis lachrimæ.
The trappings of his horse were pounced and bolstered out with rough plumed silver plush, in full proportion and shape of an Ostrich. On the breast of the horse were the fore-parts of this greedy bird advanced, whence as his manner is, he reached out his long neck to the reins of the bridle, thinking they had been iron, and still seemed to gape after the golden bit, and ever as the courser did raise or corvette, to have swallowed it half in. His wings, which he never used but running, being spread full sail, made his lusty steed as proud under him as he had been some other Pegasus, and so quiveringly and tenderly were these, his broad wings bound to either side of him, that as he paced up and down the tilt-yard in his majesty ere the knights entered, they seemed wantonly to fan in his face, and make a flickering sound, such as Eagles do, swiftly pursuing their pray in the air. On either of his wings, as the Ostrich has a sharp goad or prick wherewith he spurs himself forward in his sail-assisted race, so this artificial Ostrich on the inbent knuckle of the 69 pinion of either wing had embossed crystal eyes affixed, wherein wheel-wise were circularly ingrafted sharp pointed diamonds, as rays from those eyes derived, that like the rowel of a spur ran deep into his horse sides, and made him more eager in his course. Such a fine dim shine did these crystal eyes and these round enranked diamonds make through their bolne swelling bowers of feathers, as if it had been a candle in a paper lantern, or a glow-worm in a bush by night glistering through the leaves and briars. The tail of the ostrich being short and thick, served very fitly for a plume to trick up his horse tail with, so that every part of him was as naturally coapted as might be. The word to this device was Aculeo alatus, I spread my wings only spurred with her eyes.
The moral of the whole is this, that as the ostrich, the most burning-sighted bird of all others, insomuch as the female of them hatches not her eggs by covering them, but by the effectual rays of her eyes, as he, I say, outstrips the nimblest trippers of his feathered condition in footmanship, only spurred on with the needle quickening goad under his side. So he no less burning-sighted than the ostrich, spurred on to the race of honor by the sweet rays of his mistressâ eyes, persuaded himself he should outstrip all other in running to the goal of glory, only animated and incited by her excellence. And as the ostrich will eat iron, swallow any hard metal whatsoever, so would he refuse no iron adventure, no hard task whatsoever, to sit in the grace of so fair a commander.
The order of his shield was this, it was framed like a burning glass, beset round with flame coloured feathers. On the outside whereof was his mistressâ picture adorned as beautiful as art could portraiture. On the inside, a naked sword tied in a true love knot, the mot, Militat omnis amans. Signifying that in a true love knot his sword was tried to defend and maintain the features of his mistress.
70Next him entered the black knight, whose bever was pointed all torn and bloody, as though he had new come from combating with a Bear. His head-piece seemed to be a little oven fraught full with smothering flames, for nothing but sulphur and smoke voided out at the clefts of his bever. His bases were all embroidered with snakes and adders, engendered of the abundance of innocent blood that was shed. His horseâs trappings were throughout bespangled with honey spots, which are no blemishes, but ornaments. On his shield he bore the Sun full shining on a dial at his going down, the word sufficit tandem
After him followed the knight of the Owl, whose armor was a stubbed tree overgrown with ivy, his helmet fashioned like an owl sitting on the top of this ivy, on his bases were wrought all kind of birds as on the ground wandering about him. The word, Ideo mirum quia monstrum, his horseâs furniture was framed like a cart, scattering whole sheaves of corn amongst hogs, the word, Liberalitas liberalitate perit. On his shield a Bee entangled in sheepâs wool, the mot, Frontis nulla fides.
The fourth that succeeded was a well-proportioned knight in an armor imitating rust, whose head-piece was prefigured like flowers growing in a narrow pot, where they had not any space to spread their roots or disperse their flourishing. His bases embellished with open armed hands scattering gold amongst truncheons, the word, Cura futuri est. His horse was harnessed with leaden chains, having the outside gilt, or at least saffroned instead of gilt, to decipher a holy or golden pretence of a covetous purpose, the sentence, Cani capilli mei compedes, on his target he had a number of crawling worms kept under by a block, the faburthen Speramus lucent.
The fifth was the forsaken knight, whose helmet was crowned with nothing buy cypress and willow garlands, over his armour he had Hymenâs nuptial robe 71 dyed in a dusky yellow, and all to be defaced and discoloured with spots and stains. The enigma, Nos quoque florimus, as who should say, we have been in fashion, his steed was adorned with orange tawny eyes, such as those have that have the yellow jaundice, that make all things yellow they look upon, with this brief, Qui inuident egent, those that envy are hungry.
The sixth was the knight of the storms, whose helmet was round molded like the moon, and all his armour like waves, whereon the shine of the moon slightly silvered, perfectly represented moon-shine in the water, his bases were the banks or shores that bounded in the streams. The spoke was this, Frustr pius, — as much as to say as fruitless service. On his shield he set forth a lion driven from his bray by a dunghill cock. The word, Non vi sed voce, not by violence but by voice.
The seventh had like the giants that sought to scale heaven in despite of Jupiter, a mount overwhelming his head and whole body. His bases out-laid with arms and legs, which the skirts of that mountain left uncovered, under this did he characterise a man desirous to climb to the heaven of honour, kept under with the mountain of his princeâs command, and yet had he arms and legs exempted from the suppression of that mountain. The words Tu mihi criminis author (alluding to his Princeâs command) ÎThou art the occasion of my imputed cowardice.â
His horse was trapped in the earthly strings of tree roots, which though their increase was stubbed down to the ground, yet were they not utterly dead, but hoped for an after resurrection. The word Spe alor, I hope for a spring. Upon his shield he bore a ball struck down with a manâs hand that it might mount. The words, Ferior ut efferar, ÎI suffer myself to be condemned because I will climb.â
The eighth had all his armor throughout engrailed like a crabbed briary hawthorn bush, out of which notwithstanding sprung (as a good child of an ill father) fragrant blossoms of delightful May flowers, that made 72 (according to the nature of May) a most odoriferous smell. In midst of this, his snowy curled top, round wrapped together, on the ascending of his crest sat a solitary nightingale close encaged, with a thorn at her breast, having this mot in her mouth, Luctus monumenta manebunt. At the foot of this bush represented on his bases, lay a number of black swollen Toads gasping for wind, and Summer lived grasshoppers gaping after dew, both which were choked with excessive drought for want of shade. The words, Non sine vulnere viresco, ÎI spring not without impediments,â alluding to the Toads and such like that earst lay sucking at his roots, but now were turned out, and near choked with drought.
His horse was suited in black sandy earth (as adjacent to this bush) which was here and there patched with short burnt grass, and as thick ink dropped with toiling ants and emmets as ever it might crawl, who in the full of the summer moon, (ruddy garnished on his horseâs forehead) hoarded up their provision of grain against winter. The words, Victrix fortunæ sapientia, ÎProvidence prevents misfortune.â
On his shield he set forth the picture of death doing alms-deeds to a number of poor desolate children. The words, Nemo alius explicat. ÎNo other man takes pity upon us.â What his meaning was herein, I cannot imagine, except death had done him and his brethren some great good turn in ridding them of some untoward parent or kinsman that would have been their confusion. For else I cannot see how death should have been said to do alms-deeds, except he had deprived them suddenly of their lives, to deliver them out of some further misery, which could not in any wise be because they were yet living.
The ninth was the infant knight, who on his armour had enameled a poor young infant put into a ship without tackling, masts, furniture or any thing. This weather-beaten or ill appareled ship was shadowed on his 73 bases, and the slender compass of his body set forth the right picture of an infant. The waves wherein the ship was tossed were fettered on his steedâs trappings so movingly, that ever as he offered to bound or stir, they seemed to bounce and toss, and sparkle brine out of their hoary silver billows, the mot, Inopem me copia fecit, as much to say, ÎAs the rich prey makes the thief.â
On his shield he expressed an old goat that made a young tree to wither only with biting it, the words thereto, Primo extinguor in œuo. ÎI am frost-bitten ere I come out of the blade.â
It were here too tedious to manifest all the discontented or amorous devices that were used in this tournament, the shields only of some few I will touch to make short work.
One bore for his impress the eyes of young swallows coming again after they were plucked out, with this mot, Et addit et addimit, ÎYour beauty both bereaves and restores my sight.â
Another a siren smiling when the sea rages and ships are overwhelmed, including a cruel woman, that laughs, sings, and scorns at her loverâs tears, and the tempests of his despair, the word, Cuncia pereunt, ÎAll my labor is ill employed.â
A third being troubled with a cursed, a treacherous and wanton wife, used this similitude. On his shield he caused to be limned Pompeyâs ordinance for parracides, as namely a man put into a sack with a cock, a serpent, and an ape, interpreting that his wife was a cock for her crowing, a serpent for her stinging, and an ape for her unconstant wantonness, with which ill qualities he was so beset, that thereby he was thrown into a sea of grief, the words Extremum malorum mulier, ÎThe utmost of evils is woman.â
A fourth, who being a person of suspected religion, was continually haunted with intelligencers and spies, that thought to prey upon him for that he had, he could not devise which way to shake them off, but by making away that he had. To obscure this, he used no other fancy but a number of blind flies, whose eyes the cold had enclosed, the word Aurum reddit acutissimum,, ÎGold is the only physick for the eye-sight.â
A fifth, whose mistress was fallen into a consumption, and yet would condescend to no treaty of love, emblazoned for his complaint, grapes that withered for want of pressing. The ditty to the mot, Quid regna since usu.
I will rehearse no more, but I have a hundred others. Let this be the upshot of those shows, they were the most admirable that ever Florence yielded.
To particularize their manner of encounter were to describe the whole art of tilting. Some had like to have fallen over their horseâs necks, and so break their necks in breaking their staves. Others ran at a buckle in stead of a butoon, and peradventure whetted their spears points, idly gliding on their enemyâs sides, but did no other harm. Others ram across at their adversaryâs left elboy, yea, and by your leave, sometimes let not the lists escape scot-fee they were so eager. Others, because they would be sure not to be unsaddled with the shock, when they came to the spearâs utmost proof, they threw it over the right shoulder, and so tilted backward, for forward they durst not. Another had a monstrous spite [spit?] at the pommel of his rivalâs saddle, and thought to have thrust his spear twixt his legs without raising any skin, and carried him clean away on it as a coole-staff. Another held his spear to his nose, or his nose to his spear, as though he had been discharging his caliver, and ran at the right foot of his fellowâs steed.
Only the Earl of Surrey, my master, observed the true measures of honour, and made all his encounterers new scour their armor in the dust. So great was his glory that day, as Geraldine was thereby eternally glorified. Never such a bountiful master came amongst the heralds (not that he did enrich them with any plentiful purse largesse) but that by his stern assaults he tithed them more rich offals 75 of bases, of helmets, of armors, than the rent of their offices came to in ten years before.
What would you have more?
The trumpets proclaimed him master of the field, the trumpets proclaimed Geraldine the fairest of women, without exception. Every one strived to magnify him more than other. The Duke of Florence, whose name (as my memory serves me) was Paschal de Medicis, offered him such large proffers to stay with him, as it was incredible to report.
He would not. His desire was as he had done in Florence, so to proceed throughout all the chief cities in Italy. If you ask why he began not this at Venice first; it was because he would let Florence, his mistressâ native city have the maidenhead of his chivalry. As he came back again he thought to have enacted something there worthy of the Annals of posterity, but he was debarred both of that and all his other determinations, for continuing in feasting and banqueting with the Duke of Florence and the Princes of Italy there assembled, post-haste letters came to him from the king his master, to return as speedily as he possibly could into England, whereby his fame was quite cut off by the shins, and there was no reprieve but Bazelus manus, he must into England, and I with my courtezan travelled forward in Italy.
What adventures happened him after we parted, I am ignorant, but Florence we both forsook, and I having a wonderful ardent inclination to see Rome, the Queen of the world, and metropolitan mistress of all other cities, made thether with my bag and baggage as fast as I could.
Attained thether, I was lodged at the house of one Johannes de Imola, a Roman cavaliero. Who, being acquainted with my courtezanâs deceased doting husband, for his sake used us will all the familiarity that might be. He showed us all the monuments that were to be seen, 76 which are as many as there have been Emperors, Consuls, Orators, Conquerors, famous painters or players in Rome. Till this day, not a Roman (if he be a right Roman indeed) will kill a rat, but he willhave some registered remembrance of it.
There was a poor felow during my remainder there, that for a new trick that he had invented of killing Cymeses and scorpions, had his mountebank banner hung up on a high pillar, with an inscription about it longer than the king of Spainâs style. I thought these Cymesses like the Cimbrians, had been some strange Nation he had brought under, and they were no more but things like sheep-lice, which alive have the most venomous sting that may be, and being dead, do stink out of measure. Saint Austin compared heretics unto them. The chiefest thing that my eyes delighted in, was the church of the seven Sibylls, which is a most miraculous thing. All. their prophesies and oracles being there enrolled, as also the beginning and ending of their whole catalogue of the heathen Gods, with their manner of worship. There are a number of other shrines and statues dedicated to the Emperors, and withal some statues of idolatry reserved for detestation.
I was at Pontius Pilateâs house and pissed against it. The name of the place I remember not, but it is as once goes to Saint Paulâs Church, not far from the iemmes Piazza. There is the prison yet packed up together (an old rotten thing) where the man that was condemned to death, and could have nobody come to him and succour him but was searched, was kept alive a long space by sucking his daughterâs breasts. These are but the shop dust of the sights that I saw, and in truth, I did not behold with any care hereafter to report, but contented my eye for the present, and so let them pass. Should I memorize half the miracles which they there told me had been done 77 about martyrsâ tombs, or the operations of the earth of the sepulchre, and other relics brought from Jerusalem, I should be counted the monstrous liar that ever came in print. The ruins of Pompeyâs theater, reputed one of the nine wonders of the world, Gregory the Sixthâs tomb, Priscillaâs grate, or the thousands of pillars reared amongst the razed foundations of old Rome, it were frivolous to specify, since he that has but once drunk with a traveler talks of them. Let me be a historiographer of my own misfortunes, and not meddle with the continued Trophies of so old a triumphing City.
At my first coming to Rome, I being a youth of the English cut, wore my hair long, went appareled in light colours, and imitated four or five sundry nations in my attire at once. Which no sooner was noted, but I had all the boys of eh city in a swarm wondering about me.
I had not gone a little farther, but certain officers crossed the way of me, and demanded to see my rapier. Which when they found (as also my dagger) with his point unblunted, they would have had me headlong to the Strapado, but that with money I appeased them. And my fault was more pardonable in that I was a stranger, altogether ignorant of their customs. Note, by the way, that it is the use in Rome, for all men whatsoever to wear their hair short: which they do not so much for conscience sake, or the heat is such there, that if they should not do so, they should not have a hair left on their heads to stand upright when they were scared with sprites. And he is counted no Gentleman amongst them that goes not in black. They dress their jesters and fools only in fresh colours, and say variable garments do argue unsteadiness and unconstancy of affections.
The reason of their straight ordinance for carrying weapons without pointes is this: The Bandettos, which are certain outlaws that lie betwixt Rome and Naples, and 78 besiege the passage that none can travel that way without robbing. Now and then hired for some few crowns, they will steal to Rome and do a murder, and betake them to their heels again. Disguised as they go, they are not known from strangers, sometimes they will shroud themselves under the habit of grave citizens. In this consideration, neither citizen or stranger, gentleman, knight, marquis, or any may wear any weapon endamageable upon pain of the Strappado I bought it out, let others buy experience of me better cheap.
To tell you of the rare pleasures of their gardens, their baths, their vineyards, their galleries, were to write a second part of the gorgeous Gallery of gallant devices. Why, you should not come into any manâs house of account, but he had fish-ponds and little orchards on the top of his leads. If by rain or any other means, those ponds were so full they need to be sluiced or let out, even of their superfluities they made melodious use, for they had great wind instruments instead of leaden spouts, that went duly on consort [in concert?], only with this waterâs rumbling discent. [descent, discant?] I saw a summer banqueting house belonging to a merchant, that was the marvel of the world, and could not be matched except God should make another paradise. It was built round of green marble, like a Theater with-out. Within, there was a heaven and earth comprehended both under one roof, the heaven as a clear overhanging vault of crystal, wherein the Sun and Moon, and each visible Star had his true similitude, shine, situation, and motion, and by what enwrapped art I cannot conceive, these sphere in their proper orbs observed their circular wheelings and turnings, making a certain kind of soft, angelical murmuring music in their often windings and going about, which musick the philosophers say in the true heaven by reason of the grossness of our senses we are not capable of. For the earth it was 79 counterfeited in that likeness that Adam lorded out it before his fall. A wide vast spacious room it was, such as we would conceive prince Arthurâs hall to be, where he feasted all his Knights of the Round Table together every Pentecost. The floor was painted with the most beautiful flowers that ever manâs eye admired which so linealy were delineated, that he that viewed them a far off and had not directly stood pouringly over them, would have sworn they had lived indeed. The walls round about were hedge with Olives and palm trees, and all other odoriferous fruit-bearing plants, which at any solemn entertainment drops myrrh and frankincense. Other trees that bore no fruit, were set in just order one against another, and divided the room into a number of shady lanes, leaving but one over-spreading pine tree arbor, where we sat and banqueted. On the well-clothed boughs of this conspiracy of pine trees against the resembled Sunbeams, were perched as many sorts of shrill-breasted birds as the Summer has allowed for singing men in her silvan chapels. Who though there were bodies without souls, and sweet resembled substances without sense, yet by the mathematical experiments of long silver pipes secretly inrinded in the entrails of the boughs whereon they sat, and indiscernibly conveyed under their bellies into their small throats sloping, they whistle and freely caroled their natural field note. Neither went those silver pipes straight, but by many edged unsundried writhings and crankled wanderings aside strayed from bough to bough into an hundred throats. But into this silver pipe so writhed and wandering aside, if any demand how the wind was breathed. Forsooth, the tail of the silver pipe stretched itself into the mouth of a great pair of bellows, where it was close soldered, and baled about with iron, it could not sir or have any vent between. Those bellows with the rising and falling of leaden plummets wound up on a wheel, did beat up and down incessantly, and so gathered in wind, serving with one 80 blast all the snarled pipes to and fro of one tree at once. But so closely were all those organizing implements obscured in the corpulent trunks of the tee, that every man there present renounced conjectures of art, and said it was done by enchantment.
One tree for his fruit bore nothing but enchained chirping birds, whose